Paper?

I sit here and look at the two books and one article that I should be writing a paper on and I want to scream!  Compare what you find in the 3 sources! They are all three about the Spiritual Exercises only they are a little different because they were written by 3 different people. Only problem, that sentence doesn't make a paper. 

I also need to be re-reading my journal notes from last years exercise and I can't find one of the journals. How is that even possible? It's the red one with my name written across it in two different directions. The only reason I remember that is because I was staring off into some of my pictures today and I say it in a picture. Great! But what did I do with it after the picture was taken?

Preacher man is at a meeting and I just can't bring myself to write a paper that would make much sense right now. 

I leave Friday afternoon to travel to Fort Smith, to stay at St. Scholastica, which almost feels like a home away from home. Funny thing is, it only feels that way when I start to leave. It's not that I want to be a Nun, even though I've told Preacher man if anything happens to him, I'm gone. It also isn't because the food is awesome, even though I have a new love for soft boiled eggs. It's because when I'm in the monastery, I feel The Presence like a thick blanket of fog that you can't run through, you can only walk slowly into it! 

It's not that The Presence is only at the monastery, it's just easier to pick up on there. You are forced to slow down, invited to walk the labyrinth, the gardens, check out the small book store, sit in swings or just stay in your room, which by the way has no TV. As you go through the grounds you continually ask yourself if you could live there, like they do, in a community. I feel like that would be the easy part for me, what would be hard would be the solitude. 

Come to think of it, solitude is becoming something I rather enjoy as of late. Strange, this extrovert of all extroverts likes to be alone sometimes. I'm not very good at it yet, but feel I'll keep at it to see where it goes. It's just easier to be around people and to get energy from them so that I can do whatever it is I need to do. I like to blame being alone on why I can't get anything done around the house, I'm tired of doing it alone. 

Yet, in the quiet of being alone, there is a certain stillness that grabs my attention and calls to me. It could be the deep calling to deep. I don't want to miss God's presence, and if I don't take time to be in solitude, I just might miss it. 

I have been away for far too long. It will be good to be back among the Sisters and The Presence.       

I did it!

I got an email from Sister Rachel today, of course it was after I sent her one telling her that I had passed my class and was now a certified Spiritual Director. What follows are her words to me:


Congratulations, Kim! You are one amazing woman. You remind me of St Mary Magdalen who went to the tomb to anoint Jesus' body; She had a passion to find Jesus and she hung around the empty cave until it happened. You have hung in the journey even when it felt empty and now look what you have for yourself. GREAT GOING.


To hear this from the woman who has walked beside me as my Spiritual Director for almost 2 years and who was my teacher through the spiritual exercises, well it meant a lot to say the least! 


The weekend was awesome on so many levels and yet I walked away feeling that I hadn't experienced what the others had. I think part of me got more than they did mainly cuz I've been through the spiritual exercises and Joe talked to that at a few points this weekend. 


See, I have been struggling lately, with so many things, and other peoples issues that I don't think I've really been hearing from God. Part of me hasn't really wanted to hear from him and part has been screaming out his name. The cool thing that Joe pointed out was that I wasn't depressed, (and I knew this) I was in desolation. Some of the words that describe desolation are: deprivation of companionship; loneliness; sorrow; grief; abandonment. Looking around me, I thought; Well of course, I have forgotten! 


The main difference between depression and desolation is you can feel the weight of depression. It's dark all the way through. There's no hope, joy or light...anywhere. Desolation is different because under it, is hope, joy...Jesus. I had not been abandoned by God! I had gone through the spiritual exercises and I was trying to make what had worked continue to work when I wasn't in the same place. God was opening the door for me again!

It has felt like I've been waiting at the empty cave for months. I'm still waiting, but I'm starting to see the light, to feel the hope and to know where my joy comes from. I'm a Certified Spiritual Director, and I'm pretty pumped about that!    

Calling the Shots!

Graduated from The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius last night in Fort Smith. For some reason, that doesn't even sound right, mainly cuz I don't know if it's possible. A better way to say it is the formal class is now over. It's one of those times when your happy and sad all at the same time. I now have to be responsible for myself! Oh bother!


I have to say I am changed! I believe Peg and Marilyn would call it, living into my authentic self! It's a different place than any I have been through yet and I gotta tell ya, I like it! 


We were asked last night, what was the one gift we received from our 4th week, which was the end of our time. For me, it was a combination of gift's rolled into a big one. If I had to break it down, I'd say that the love I now know is so much bigger and freer! One gal said it was now in color, I like that! I want to live into this bigness and this freedom, and see what God has in mind.


I also think I'm getting that it's so much more than Jesus loves you, and God is love! I mean, they are great places to start and if that's where you are, awesome! But if your still there in a month or two, your plan might have gone off it's tracks and you might be listening to too much "all you need is love"! 


What it is about is God, not you! Dr. Fred had a great way of putting it today in his blog... 


It's about God—about God's claim to be God, about the challenge that our lives pose to God's claim to be God, and about how God ends up vindicating God's claim in the resurrection. We get to go along for the ride, but it isn't all about us. And because it isn't all about us we can't opt out or work on our own best guess about what we need. God is calling the shots.


God really is calling the shots! Our role is to be more Christ-like in our daily doings, so that we might start to see the shots that God is calling. We can run off and pout and do our own thing, shaking our fist up at God and saying, Oh and by the way, I'm not going to play anymore! But, do you really think that's going to stop God? He will still come after you and as I love to say now a day's... He will Woo you to Him! Don't get me wrong, God is love, but He's also Holy and Truth! His love is going to take you as you are, but He's not going to leave you like He found you! Have you lost your mind? Well, maybe you have! Let me be the first to let you in on this secrete plan of His, He wants to change you and grow you!


We would love to be able to say and really believe that our religious practices are private and up to us, that they have nothing to do with you and if it feels good to me, I'm going to do it. I'm here to tell you that's not how it works! It takes a community! Wort's and all, to grow us into who God wants us to be. It's messy and painful sometimes, but when we do it together, we really do see that it's so much more than Jesus loves you!

Discipline?

2011 Spring shower!

I sat up till close to midnight preparing for the storm. I had to because I have two very large dogs who freak out when it storms, the cat... not so much. 5 - 12 inches of rain they said. 1.3 is what my little rain gauge said this morning. I brought my house plants in that I had placed out on the porch cuz I was afraid they would drown. I might put them back out there later today if it warms up some.


Yesterday I got 2 boxes of books loaded. Not sealed up cuz I can't find the right sized books to finish up the boxes! This is yet another reason why I shouldn't be allowed to pack books. By the way, I started reading 3 more! 


I have to pick a movie and write a 2 page paper on it's spiritual significance for Spiritual Direction class. You might think that's a pretty tuff thing to do, but unbeknownst to the movie industry (I'm sure) most movies have them. We watched Grand Tarino (sp) during our class and it's a pretty spiritual movie! Even with Clint Eastwood staring in it! Anne is going to come over sometime this week and we are going to watch "The secret life of Bees" and "Over the Hedge". I've already watch "9" and have notes but I want to have a few choices. After I watch them I should be able to pack them?


One of the books I found yesterday was a small book called "Discipline & Discovery" by Albert Edward Day. I'm thinking it might be something I don't pack, but just keep out and read a little everyday. The very first line in this book is: As Christians, we are an undisciplined people. I tend to have to agree with this statement. We, Christians, have forgotten the faithful practices that gave us our saints of old. I hardly think that people like Francis of Assisi, Teresa of Avila or Evelyn Underhill got to be who they were without discipline, do you? (If you don't know of these folks, you really should google them!) But as a church and also sadly as a country, we are undisciplined. We don't understand why we lack spiritual insight and power. 


You might not even know that there are scriptural disciplines. If you don't, I will list them. They are: obedience, simplicity, humility, frugality, generosity, truthfulness, purity and charity. I think this might be part of the reason we don't have discipline huh? These go against everything our culture stands for. They are considered "weaknesses" in our day and age. Yet, as Christians, these are things that we should be learning. These are the things that make up small groups, grow people together as they struggle with the how's, and give us spiritual insights and power! 


That's all I have to say about that today, I need to get into the shower and get to class! 
       

Fear Based!

Had a great weekend with my Spiritual Director class at Mount Eagle. We are a hodge-podge group, but we get-her done! Having the time change while your at a retreat sucks. It's hard enough to get everything done without losing an hour. We are now charged with the rubber hitting the road by doing verbatim's, two of them. We find a directee and have a session and write it down and send it in. Then we get our feed back and we do it all again, hopefully better. When we show up again in July, we will know if we passed or not.


Something that I found interesting this weekend is how we all think we are the only ones that have any fear! We speak about it like no one would have any idea what fear is! I mean think about this; How do you scare yourself? Here's my example and see if you have thought about something similar.


I must work! If I don't work, I won't have any money. If I don't have any money, how will I pay the bills? How will I buy gas to put in the truck? How will I eat? I will get thrown out of the house, and have to live in the truck. I won't be able to move the truck because I won't have any gas and it will get towed away and I'll have to find a bush to live under or  a bridge! I won't be able to have enough clothes or have any clean clothes cuz I can't afford to wash them! I'll have to walk back to Durango, cuz that's the best soup kitchen in the world and surly they would fed me!


See how that works? It's a fast downward spiral that leads to the very pit of hell! BUT, it keeps us in jobs that we hate, in relationships that need to change, and in a state of fear that always has us looking behind to see what's following us. We all have it, fear based stuff.  


So how do you stop yourself? Do you? The question that I want to ask is: What are you willing to do? Me? I was willing and really have been willing for years to quit jobs and do something else. However, that has always been from job to job. What I've done lately is listen to what Jesus wants me to do. I have been able to, and willing to, quit my job and not fill it with another one. I have been willing to wait on Jesus, and to seek out what he wants me to be doing. Is it scary? Yeah! Am I out of control? Sometimes. But I'm willing to do it. 


That's how a Spiritual Director can help you, they help you hear the fear and Jesus calling. They can walk beside you in your spiritual life and ask the true director what's up. This weekend, I learned that I'm made for this! That I'm enough and that God made me this way so he could use me this way! I have always thought I needed to change before God could use me! That was a fear based thought! Now that I've gotten that out of my way, look out!          

Calling

Getting ready to be at Mount Eagle for the weekend! I really do enjoy going to these spiritual direction classes. It's all about to come to an end as we have our last class session in July. It's hard to believe it's been 2 years already and yet, I thought it would never get here! 


That brings to mind Lent once again! Is it not the longest 40 days ever? Probably because it's 40 days not counting the Sunday's that fall in there. Sunday's are feasting days, it's like saying; You've worked hard at giving up stuff for Lent this week, so you can rest and have something to eat! What we need to think about, or maybe I should be saying it more like, what I need to be thinking about is what did Jesus give up for me. That's what Lent is about, remembering what Jesus did.


My Spiritual Director reminded me the other day about the price of discipleship by retelling me a story about Peter. When Nero was burning up Christians, Peter was leaving Rome and he saw Jesus in a vision walking into Rome. Peter asked The Lord what he was doing. Jesus said I'm going to Rome to die. Peter turned around, and went back to Rome and was killed by Nero. Peter could have kept on going out of Rome, but was that what Jesus was calling him to do?


When you make a decision to follow Christ, do you think that's it? I use to too. What I'm seeing is that Jesus continually calls us to more. The Disciples followed Christ and had choices to make as they followed those 3 years and after Jesus was crucified. Most of them left when the going got tuff, but the 12 stuck it out. Even they had a hard time at the end, but came around. We have the same choice to make. 


We can play it safe and do our Sunday 2 hours, maybe take on a Bible study, sing in the choir, bring food for the pantry and greet folks when they come into church. This is all good stuff, and for me it was a great place to start. I don't know when it started, maybe after an Emmaus Walk, but I started to want more. I started to ask harder questions and Jesus started to answer them!


So, is Jesus calling you to more? Have you been listening?


You will not see anyone who is really striving after his advancement who is not given to spiritual reading. And as to him who neglects it, the fact will soon be observed by his progress. ~ Saint Athanasuis

Not a Fan!

I am not a Fan!

I love the way Kyle puts it, click on the link and check it out.


When I first saw the words "I am not a Fan of Jesus Christ" I was taken back some, ok I was taken back a lot! How can you not be a fan of Jesus? To be in the stands and yell for Jesus, Go Jesus Go!  Run Jesus Run!  To be a fan of Jesus is what they tells us to be. We pray in Jesus' name and say we do things in his name. Can you tell me what that looks like? It's not about being a fan, it's about being a follower!


I get the feeling we know more about being Pharisees' than being followers of Jesus! We like to talk a good talk about what we do in the name of Jesus, we put our dollar in the offering plate as it comes by cuz we don't want anyone to think we aren't giving! We also fold it a few times so no one can tell what we're giving. We talk about how so and so can't sing or isn't dressed right or smells funny, but do we deny ourselves ever, to get out of our little box and be a follower and not a fan?


Don't get me wrong, I am so not where Jesus is calling me to be! I have a hard time with denying myself, thinking I can do what Jesus is calling me to do, and the one that will surprise everyone... speaking the truth in love. I can speak the truth, I'm learning about the love part! But I think the point of the matter is, are you willing? Are you available? Are you ready?


I keep thinking I am, then Sister Rachel had us read Luke and to ask the question, what did it cost the disciples to be a follower of Jesus? This is about getting out of the stands and getting on the field. This is where people yell at you when you do something dumb. Where you get hurt and make mistakes. Really, where the rubber meets the road. What are the costs that you need to look at when it comes to being a true follower of Jesus? 


Then I think about being on the field with other followers and I really can't hear the fans in the stands so much any more. I'm too busy, shouldering the burden with others and encouraging them and being encouraged in return. I'm about listening to what Jesus is calling me to, seeing what He has for me and having an open heart for the things that Jesus has a heart for.


I come out of myself and I see that being a follower is not about me and what I can or can't do! It's all about Jesus and what he can do with me! I am humbled here, on the field, to be part of something so much bigger than myself. I feel unworthy to even be on the field and try to move towards the sideline so that the big guns can do their thing. Then I hear that small voice and I feel the hand on my back and I know that I am being called to be apart of the team. To die to self and live in Christ! That's when my heart gets so big that I swear it's going to blow up!


This is where I am. 


   

Clean Heart!

Create in me a clean heart, open and receptive,

so that I may embrace the many ways you choose to visit my life.

Create in me a clean heart, cleared of the refuse

of old battles with others and deadly opposition with self.

Create in me a clean heart, purified through the daily disruptions

and the life encounters that take me beyond my grasping control

and ego-centeredness.

Create in me a clean heart, freed from the clutter

of cultural enticements, so that I can enjoy the beauty

of life's simple things and relish

the girts I easily take for granted.

Create in me a clean heart, bathed from harsh thoughts,

shame, and perfectionist tendencies,

warmly welcoming others with the embrace of non-judgment.

Create in me a clean heart, rinsed of the residue of false messages

about my identity, enabling my inner goodness and light

 to shine through all I am and do.

Create in me a clean heart, cleansed of anxiety

and lack of trust, restoring in me an enduring faith

in your abiding presence and unconditional love.

Create in me a clean heart, washed with your mercy and strengthened

by your love, helping me move beyond

whatever keeps me from union with you.

Create a clean heart in me, O God.

Dust off the unmindful activity that constantly collects there.

De-clutter my heart from harsh judgments and negativity.

Wash away my resistance to working through difficult relationships.

Rinse off my un-loving

so the beauty of my generous and kind heart

can shine forth.

Remove whatever keeps me

from following in your compassionate footsteps. Amen.

~Joyce Rupp 

Examen Time!

Yeah Snow Day!!

OK got that out of the way and now I want to share some Ignatius of Loyola wisdom with you. I want to talk about noticing loving presence, God's loving presence to be more pointed. How often do you notice His loving presence? On Sunday's? During your daily quite time? When you take a walk or spend time in nature? Ever? Sadly, I think for most of us the answer is seldom. We think this same God that created everything somehow turned the switch off after creation and isn't involved in our daily lives. God is trying to pour into us everyday, we've just gotten too consumed with self to see it. The thing is, we respond to His pouring out, even when we don't know it.


St. Ignatius of Loyola, who was the sixteenth-century founder of the Jesuit order (and happens to be the 30 week class I'm into right now that's kicking my butt), knew about taking time everyday to see how God has been present to us and how we have responded. He called this prayer the "examination of consciousness" or what we call the examen for short. The examen leads to a healing awareness of God's presence as a constant background of our life.


There are three simple steps to the examen. Here is the way Dr. David Benner interpret them. They are very easy to follow and his words make more sense to me than sixteenth century words.


1. After settling into a place where you are unlikely to be disturbed, (not with the TV or any other racket going on) begin by affirming that wherever you are, you are in the presence of God. Gather yourself together in stillness before God, allowing yourself to become aware of the God who is present within you, in the people God has placed in your life and in the world. Express to God your desire for grace of seeing yourself, others and the world through God's eye's.


2. Now allow your attention to roam over your present day, letting the fragments of your day flow across your consciousness as memories. There is no need to try to organize or control these memories, or to attempt to be comprehensive in your review of the day. Simply trust that the Spirit will bring to mind the significant events to which you should attend. As this happens, notice the blessings of the day and give thanks to God for them. But also pay attention to the internal movements of your heart and your response to the people and experiences that were part of your day. Notice those times when you failed to see the face of Christ in someone you encountered, or you responded out of fear or personal interest rather than love. This is not the time to dwell on your shortcomings and berate yourself. Simply express sorrow for those moments in the day when you failed to be aware of God's love and allow it to flow freely through you. Ask for forgiveness for the times you resisted light and chose darkness, and thank God for the times grace allowed you to be swept along by the flow of God's love.


3. Close by asking again for the grace to be open, attentive and responsive to God's loving presence, thanking God once again for this most precious gift. You might then finish your time with the Lord's Prayer (the "Our Father").


I do this every evening before bed and it takes about 5 to 10 minutes. I haven't gotten it down pat yet and believe it comes with making time for it. 


We are always so quick to ask God for our list of things and sometimes even to remember to thank him when answers come. But how often do we make time to see Him in our daily life? To sense his presence in the wind or the laughter of a friend?


Won't you make time for the creator of the universe today?


  

Ruff!

Yesterday I went for a run! I figured it was time to check out the ole' achilles to see if I was going to have a permeant limp or if my body still has it in it to heal! I only went for 3 miles, but in the scheme of things that was a good amount. I had a really good time while I was out there running through the neighborhood, watching all the roofers walk around on roofs, and I almost feel down just once, which is a good thing! The achilles was sore last night, so I iced it. This morning it's fine, however my quad's are a little tight, but I'm ok with that. I will rest today, if you call going to Spiritual Exercise class resting, and try again tomorrow.


Had some thoughts yesterday and took them to Jesus for clarification. I don't know if you noticed, I'm sure you have cuz only smart people read this blog, but I'm a little ruff around the edge's. Mind you, I'm not near as ruff as I once was, however, this is something I know about myself and have wondered why. So I asked Jesus about it and it went something like this here:


WHY? Am I wrong? Do I need to turn the other cheek, turn a blind eye? I know I was made this way, but I feel like John the Baptist!
Is that such a bad thing? Calling sin- sin.
No, but it doesn't make me very popular. (sad face, bottom lip poked out)
Exactly! John wasn't popular in a good way either. "To be humble is to live as close to the truth as possible" (St. Ignatius)
This is about me living as close to the truth as possible isn't it? I want to do nothing to cut myself off from God. I want to do the will of God!


Then Mary shows up. You know, the Holy Mother!
Sometimes the will of God doesn't make you very popular. Are you still going to do it? Can you speak the truth in love?
To speak the truth in love and walk on your path, is what you are called to do. You see things - You will see things for others, that they do not see or will not see for themselves. It's because you see the truth.
They want the gift without the giver!
I'm not calling you to something you can easily explain. I'm calling you to be who I made you to be.


In that, I find my hope. See, I've been working on this process for over 13 years. I've tried hard to change the core of who I am, so that I might be more of who God wants me to be. That's not what He wants. He wants me to be who He made me to be. Human! 


I'm the Preacher's wife and I'm ruff around the edges! I call it like I see it and I'm working on speaking that truth in love. I am in process! I believe that we are all called to live into our true authentic selfs! Don't know what that looks like? Ask! But you better be ready to get the truth. When you get the truth, you learn to love it, and you want it all the time! You see, truth has a way of setting you free!
Amen?     

Blessed are the Full!

Blessed are you who are full now, who are sleek and well-fed, because you are strong enough to feed the hungry, to touch empty stomachs with compassion. But blessed only if you have the mind of the hungry, the mind of Christ. Only if you do not take your food for granted. Only if you are uncomfortable as long as one brother or sister cries in vain for bread or juice or love. Only if you experience what hunger tastes like. Only if you experience your own profound emptiness - how desperately you need the hungry,how far you still are from God. Blessed re the full, if you are always hungry. ~ W.J. Burghardt, S.J. Sir, We would like to see Jesus, (Paulist Press, 1982)

My first homemade pizza from scratch!

I really learned a lot when I ran the soup kitchen in Durango. I thought I had some idea about what hunger was, about how to take care of people. I found out fast that dignity needs to be apart of the combination or it really doesn't matter what you have to offer.


When we learn more and more about Jesus and the way he was with people, it really should be touching us in a way that causes action to happen. It might start out physically, giving  food, money, your time. It should grow from there though. I got so tired of hearing, Can't I just give you the money and let you do the work? Well, yeah! But you miss out on the blessing that doing the work brings.


We grow when we're uncomfortable. If being around hungry, crying people makes you uncomfortable, you should try hanging around them for a while. What starts to happen is you begin to experience hunger for them, with them, and it strikes a cord inside of you that calls you to action. You go out and get some food and you say. Here! Take this food and don't be hungry! That's when it really happens! Heaven opens up and takes notice and look out! You've done it now! You start to see what emptiness is. You get into a conversation with a hungry person and you begin to see how empty you really are. In taking the time to share, you have opened up a spot inside of yourself that can only be filled by God. Cuz it's just too much for anyone person to do. We just can't get our head around how to feed all the hungry people, really, we can't! Then God comes along and shows you that sometimes the hunger is from a lack of spiritual food.


That's why we say, Blessed are the full, if you are always hungry!     

Blessed are the Rich!

Sir, We would like to see Jesus!

But I would rather turn the woes around. Blessed are the rich, rich in money or power, in talent or time, because you can do so much for the poor, can lift the yoke of the oppressed. But blessed only if you have the mind of the poor, the mind of Christ. Only if you recognize that you may not do what you will with what you have. Only if you realize that you are stewards, that whatever you have you hold in trust - from God for man. Only if you are not enslaved to your riches, do not place your trust in them. Only if you experience in some way the poverty of the poor, the oppression of the oppressed. Only if you are ready to lose all you have for the sake of Christ, for your brothers and sisters. Blessed are you rich, if you are ready to follow the naked Christ naked. ~ W.J. Burghardt, S.J. Sir, We would like to see Jesus, (Paulist Press, 1982)

This is a writing about the beatitudes that was given to me today. Burghardt turned the beatitudes upside down. At first, looking at the blessed are the rich, I thought wait a minute here...Then came the part about having a responsibility to your brothers, sisters and Christ. 

We think we are owed a good and prosperous life because we have worked hard and saved correctly. What's mine is mine and don't you be askin for none of it! Yet, we fail to see that it was all a gift in the first place. Just like everything in life is. It's all about the choices we make with the gift's we've been given. 

Now, I know some of you may want to argue with me about this gift stuff. Let me cut to the chase by saying that I use to be in your camp. I no longer am, mainly because of the truth in the statement, "you can't take it with you!" If it were truly your, you could take it with you. But it's a gift that's been given and I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, it's staying here!

So the question then becomes, how can I do the most good with what I've been given? (You may be one of the strange ones that wants to do as much bad with what you've been given, but know that Batman has his eye on you!) Think about it for a while. Do you have a skill, a gift, that you've been given that could help someone else? Can you change someones oil, read them a book, buy them a meal, pay their rent, change their life? Are you ready to follow the naked Christ naked?

Desert

Nikon Sniper

Having spent sometime in the desert of Arizona, I believe I know what it's like to live in an oven. Well, maybe not an oven, but a dry and barren place. I have also lived in Hawaii, seeing rainfall and greenness that can take your breath. That's not to say I know how to live in paradise, but I'm sure I could figure it out. My point this day is that just cuz your living in a desert doesn't mean there's no life out there. On the same note, just because it looks like paradise, doesn't mean there aren't poisonous animals out there ready to eat you up!


This has become more and more real to me as the days go by. I'm at that place, you know what I mean don't you? That place, where you really don't know where it is, but it must be someplace, like a jumping off spot cuz things seem to be falling apart and coming together all at the same time. The paradox of life keeps slapping me in the face, when you die to self, God gives you more of your true self.


I talked with my long time spiritual director yesterday cuz I was in need of some truth. Not all the sugar coated stuff that runs around here like hungry squirrels, but the truth that asks the hard questions and leads you right up to Jesus. The questions I ask are the same ones that you ask. What am I doing? What is God calling me to? Can I do it? What if no one shows up? All of this has one thing in common, fear. I'm afraid to fail. There, I said it.


The thing we have to do is look at who is calling us. Is it the light of Jesus or the light of Lucifer? Do you know that Lucifer means light bearer? When we are in the desert, feeling thirsty and needing some shade do we simply complain, moan and groan that we're hot and thirsty? That no one understands what we're going through? Or do we take sometime to look at what's really going on? I have been doing a most excellent job in the moaning and groaning area. However, I am starting to see the beauty in the desert. That even if I'm in exile, I am growing and learning, maturing if you will.


At first look, it was paradise! I saw the light and thought it was from Jesus. The sad truth is it wasn't. I got a head of Jesus again and went after the wrong light, ending up in a barren dry place. Sometimes, we have to go to those places in order to understand we have to come to the end of ourselves before we can come to the beginning of God. Friends, this is not the first time I have had to learn this lesson and it will probably not be the last. I have to be reminded of what happens when I take the control away from God, constantly it seems. For now, I'm sitting in the Son and I thirsty for what only He can give me, won't you join me?       

Getting Real.

Nikon Sniper

I think there are a lot of us that need to know more about forgiveness. I don't have all the answers, I can't even say, I got this forgiveness thing down! What I can do is talk about what works for me. Try what sounds right to your heart, and throw the rest away!


First and foremost, we need to remember that we are ALL broken and Jesus is the great healer. The Holy Ones' desire is to make us whole. For me, forgiveness is more about God working in my life than it is about me doing much. Now don't get me wrong, it doesn't just happen without anything from me! I have never found myself walking down the road and feeling forgiveness dumped on me! However, I'm also not saying it couldn't happen, cuz God is God and I'm not! 


I think when I know I need to forgive someone, it's starts showing up in my face more than normal. It's almost like God is bringing it to the forefront of my life, cuz he's ready for me to deal with it. So I start out by asking God, What in the world are you wanting me to do about this? The best place to see the answers are in the Bible. So I start looking up scriptures on forgiveness. The one that's rocked my world lately is Matthew 6:14-15, and I'm going to share from the Message.

In prayer, there is a connection between what God does and what you do.

You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others.

If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.

If I don't do my part, but what is my part?

Wanting to forgive.

Well, God, I really don't feel the want to! 

Ask for it.

I kick the ground, turn away, and think about it for a day or 8. 

Why do I always have to be the one to start all this? If they would ask for my forgiveness, I would give it. But I don't want it.

There in lines the key to all of this... wanting it! How in the world do you want something you don't want? Well, friend, it's a choice. You have to choose to want it, then God will give you the grace that you desire and the learning process begins. 

GOD! CHANGE MY HEART SO THAT I WANT TO FORGIVE! 

Everyday, you ask! Every time it comes to mind, you ask! You beg the Holy One to change you from the inside out!

Is it easy? Heck no! I deserve to hold this grudge, this unforgiveness that has been a dis-ease to my soul and has taken me so far away from the love of God.... 

You need to stop justifying your unforgiveness. Lay it down, right here at the feet of my son, and walk away. Come back as often as you need to and lay it down again. He will take it and in place of that dis-ease, my son will give you the peace that passes all understanding.

All we have to do is ask. There is no secret way of doing this. I turn my hands upward, so that I can receive what he gives me. I humbly come before the throne of grace and I get real with my maker!

We all need to get real, and we need to do it now.

  

Grudge

Been doing some thinking about my journey and why I keep coming back to the same issues. It's like, Haven't I spent enough time and energy on that topic God? Waiting, listening....
What do you think?
OK then, let's keep at it shall we?


I think sometimes there in lies the problem, we think because we have prayed about it and spent sometime thinking about it, that it's a done deal. We put in the allotted time and now it's time to move on. 


Have you ever needed to forgive someone? So how long have you needed to forgive them? How much time have you spent on your knees asking God to give you the grace to choose to forgive? I'm guessing, if your anything like me, 5 to 10 minutes. God didn't give me the grace to choose to forgive, so I don't think He wants me to forgive! How's that working for you so far?


We all are broken, messed up human's and God knows all about it. He was there when the breaking happened and he's the one that made you human in the first place. He knew we couldn't fix any of this on our own, so hence, the reason Jesus died for each of us, yes, even those people you don't want to forgive. 


But our whole life boils down to the choices we make doesn't it? The choices I made while growing into this person I am now, made me who I am right now. Good or bad, loud or whatever the opposite is, opened or closed. My problem is I feel like if I let go and forgive, who will get back at them? Who will make them pay for what they've done? How will anyone know how awful they are? We call this hold a grudge. 


Read a story the other day about a woman with a grudge. Her name was Herodias, she was married to Herod and from what I can see, also his brother Phillip. John the Baptist told Herod, It is not lawful for you to have your brother's wife. And Herodias had a grudge against him, and wanted to kill him. This grudge was the end of John the Baptist. We never hear what happened to the grudge holder after that, but I bet it wasn't a live happily ever after kind of ending.


Here's something to think about: Herodias knew she was wrong. You know holding onto unforgiveness is wrong. Jesus tells us to forgive as we have been forgiven. He never said, Think about it and if you feel like it's something you should do... My problem is I don't think it's happened yet. That's when it hit me, to keep praying for the grace to choose to forgive. It's a choice, everyday, to forgive or to dig it all back up and hold onto that grudge. 

I pray for the grace to choose what brings me closer to God, gives God the glory and is salvation for my soul...everyday!   

Who's Value?

I have come to some new places today that can only be gotten to by the grace of God! I tend to think, at times, that this whole spiritual exercise thing is just a lot of wasted time. I feel like my head get's so blocked up that I couldn't find Luke in the Bible if I had the page number! Then I beat myself up cuz I don't get it, I won't ever get it and God surly has no use for the likes of me! Today, God showed me different and he showed me it was a process, sometimes a very long process.


I have been raised to go after what I want, grab hold of it with both hands and claim it. What I possess, defines me. The approval of others defines me and my worth. If you think I'm all that and a ball of wax, then it must be true! In the process of believing what you say about me, I gain my self-sufficiency and my independence! So guess who this makes me dependent on? That's right! Me, myself and I. Guess who's plan I have just walked into without even knowing it? Again, right! Satan's!


What's that? You don't agree? Well, I didn't either until God showed me different and that happened this week. The values of satan are riches, honor and pride. The values of Christ are poverty, humiliation and humility. Goes against everything our country stands for huh? That in itself might be where we need to look, but for now I will limit it to asking this question: Who do you follow?


The Beatitudes express Christ's way. Are they hard? You beat they are! Are they impossible? Nope! We would like for them to be impossible, cuz then we wouldn't feel the need to be what we're called to be. We could just say: Jesus, I love you and all, but this stuff just doesn't fit into my plan of things! And on top of that, I have needs and I want those clothes I saw yesterday in the store and I have to have that job I've been training for cuz them I can have the money that will buy all the stuff that I want! This becomes an Idol and I'm thinking that God said something about having no other God before HIM!


I am to be in want and to seek my filling from Christ. My freedom comes in union with Christ, poor. The Message says it like this: You're blessed when you've lost it all. God's kingdom is there for the finding.


Luke 6:24-25 in the Message: 
But it's trouble ahead if you think you have it made.
What you have is all you'll ever get.


And it's trouble ahead if you're satisfied with yourself.
Your self will not satisfy you for long.


And it's trouble ahead if you think life's all fun and games.
There's suffering to be met, and you're going to meet it.


I have been struggling with why I'm here and what I'm suppose to be learning or doing here. I have said on many occasions, Don't you know who I am and what I can do!? I am relearning this life lesson straight from God and it's painful. I have not made many friends here and that blows my mind, cuz I can make friends. I am learning to be transparent and real and honest, which isn't always popular. But God is telling me in no uncertain terms:

Your task is to be true, not popular!

  

    

Sirach

Lived through my 4 mile run today and did it with the awful time of 44.3. That's an 11 minute mile, but nothing to get excited about. I can't for the life of me figure out my dang Garmin and I've had it for 2 years. It should transfer all my run info to my computer when I'm done with the run and close to the computer. The last time it transferred was on December 2nd and I know I've run more than that. So I rest from running tomorrow, but go to my spiritual exercise class, which will ware me out in a totally different way!


Speaking of which, I had to do some reading from the book of Sirach, which is in the Apocrypha. We were looking to see what our duties were towards God, what we are expected to do as followers of Christ. I was blown away by what I read and I want to share some of it with you.

My child, when you come to serve the 

Lord,

prepare your self for testing.

Set your heart right and be steadfast,

and do not be impetuous in time of

calamity.

Cling to him and do not depart,

so that your last days may be

prosperous.

Accept whatever befalls you,

and in times of humiliation be patient.

For gold is tested in the fire,

and those found acceptable, in the

furnace of humiliation.

Trust in him, and he will help you;

make your ways straight, and hope in 

him.

~Sirach 2:1-6

Is that not something?! It's like "get ready, cuz it's a comen!" When you think about how the fire cleans up gold, you can't help but think about how hot that gets. This just spoke to me on so many levels and it offers hope! 


So get ready, set your heart and cling to Jesus.  

Fear

What is up with fear anyway? I just don't get it, I don't want it and it can just go away for all I care! It's not that I'm a fearful person, or so I thought until I started this third week in sin from the spiritual exercises! In fact, if I can muscle my way through something, will it to happen, or work my butt off to see the end product, I am in a very happy place. But aren't we all? And isn't that what Jesus calls us to, go forth and be happy! NOT!!!


I have come to a place where I'm face to face with a fear I thought I had either forgotten about or had muscled my way through. This morning Jesus showed me yet again what I asked him to show me. I don't have faith that I can do certain things. I have failed so many times at so many things that I am fearful to try something new again, even if I know Jesus is with me, and God has made me for such a thing and it's my calling and Preacher man and Pat say I'm ready and they have faith in me to do it! Because it's something that I can't muscle my way through, will to happen or work my butt off to get to the end product. It only has something to do with me because I'm the vessel that God wants to use.

When Preacher man and I were at Seminary, one of the first people he met was a dude named Robert. Robert jumps out of planes. He came to Seminary to be a Chaplain. A chaplain that jumps out of planes. Sometimes Robert even jumps out of planes in the dark, but he doesn't do it alone, he's got his jumpen buddies (or whatever they are called). Robert took classes, read books and started by jumping out of the back of a truck, or something very close to the ground. He learned how to jump into nothingness, steer his way around in the air, how to land and roll so that he wouldn't break anything in his body. He had great teachers, people who had done it a bazzillion and lived to tell about it and, I'm sure he had a desire to jump out of that perfectly good airplane. BUT, I'm sure there was some fear in him when he suited up and got in that perfectly good airplane and took off knowing that he would not be hitting the ground in that very same, perfectly good airplane! Yet, knowing that God had called him to do that, so that He could call him to be a Chaplain, so that Robert could fulfill his calling. 

I'm getting ready to board that plane. I've taken the classes, read the books, been on tons of retreats, talked to the people who have lived through it, yet somehow I feel not quite ready. Surely there are more books to read, more practices to do, something that will make me feel more ready for this. That's when I hear that laughing that always comes from God when I try to out think Him. I start to cry, cuz I'm slowing getting it. This is the meekness that Jesus needs to work through this vessel. This is the humbleness that Jesus wants in order to use me for His purpose. It is not and never will be about what I can muscle my way through or will to happen or work my butt off to see the end product! It's about trusting in where and how and who. Where I've been, How I've been trained and Who I believe in!


I still have some fear, yet I also have a calmness that can only come from the Great Healer Himself! Jesus is my jumpen buddy!         

Deeper

It is getting deeper and deeper in this Retreat in Daily Life that I'm doing (aka Spiritual Exercises). Last week we started on sin, this week we're into personal sin and I think next week we might be in sin again. So, while I'm going through Thanksgiving and wanting to be thankful for all the people and blessings in my life, there is this sin thing that's hanging over my head and it's bringing me down. Maybe not down as much as retrospective. I'm beginning to think that we might need to be looking back over our lives more than we do. Not to remember what we did that was so awesome or how bad we were treated, but too see how God has been there all along.


I have been looking back over my life and considering my history in terms of blessings. My family background, childhood, school years, work years up to the present. To see my life through God's eye's. I've had a blessed life. I then needed to look for elements of transcendence in my life story: compassion and insight flowing out of sin and disorder; isolation and loneliness leading to healing, forgiveness, belonging and freedom; humility in times of success; courage in times of failure. Wow!


The thing that keeps coming to me is that God has always been there! When I turned my back on His love and ran as hard as I could in the opposite direction, He was still there. He has waited on me to come to myself so many times! He is the father in the parodical son story, waiting on me and watching for me. This fills me with such a tenderness and gratefulness that I find I'm at a loss for words.


Then I have to pay special attention to the sinful (dark) moments of my life. How often do we do this? I am coming to an awareness of God's mercy and love that's been extended to me in the midst of my sins. He helps us see the disorder in our lives so that we may become the instruments of that love. So that we have the empathy and compassion to be Jesus to others. If you have lived through your sin and been healed, you too can heal. This is something that God is showing me more and more everyday. He brings people to me that need that healing, that He has shown to me. This is what it means to be the hands and feet of Jesus. 


We have to look at our sin in the face and call it what it is. We turned from God's love, we made the choice, which He gives us, and we didn't choose Him. That's sin coming first in our life, not God. 


Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death. Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! ~Romans 7:24