Learn it!

I'm coming to the conclusion that the more we know, the more there is to learn. I know this isn't a new thought, but for some reason it feels new to me right now. 

I remember years ago, praying to be used by God. Didn't have a job in mind when I started praying this, cuz I wanted to be open to God and what He had for me. So He put me in the soup kitchen. I thought at first this was a crazy mistake, but I went with it. The best job I have ever had! During this time my husband (pre-Preacher man), got his calling to go into full-time ministry. Again, I thought this was a crazy mistake. The best place, school, and learning we could have ever received! 

Now, we find ourselves in the wilderness and it's got to be a mistake! How can we work for God like this? It's dry and lonely and cold and lonely and did I say lonely? 

I'm learning that God is still God and I am still one of His beloved, but I'm at a new and different place with Him. It's hard because I haven't been here before so I don't know what I suppose to do. I've had people tell me pride goes before the fall that have no idea what we're going through. As much as I want to answer that with my words of wisdom straight from the 8th grade, I don't. So this morning, you know what this silent God showed me?

The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold,

but the Lord tests the heart.

~Proverbs 17:3

So, no matter where you find yourself today, know that God is calling you to more. More of Him. It will be or is, difficult. Know that to begin with. When God calls you to more, it's not a cake walk, it's a narrow path but it leads to Him.

Press on! Let the crucible your in burn away the flux that holds you back from being more. Let the fire of the furnace be turned up so that the glory of God shines right through you! And remember that the Lord tests the heart. 

Peace Out!

Raw

I have tried to write many times, and nothing encouraging or witty or life giving is coming forth. So I don't.

But there is this welling up in my soul that needs an outlet. It's a pressure that threatens to consume. It takes my breath and yet I find myself holding it out of an old habit I thought broke. So I started walking.

I can't sit still, my nerves are raw as is my tongue. It's hard to be here, in this place of possible transformation. Maybe this is why not everyone chooses to go through this crap. It's hard to dream here. 

Keep moving forward, look up, breath, hang in there... we have all said it, so please, don't. Don't you see?! Can't you feel it?!

Today I dressed in running clothes. Got my phone, said Hello to Nike App and off I went. Running and walking. Action, movement, not being stagnant. 

I ran and I cried. 

Surely, you have not forgotten me. 

Trials

The trials of life are sent to make us, not to break us.

~ Malthie D. Babcock

I came across this in my quiet time this morning and after it punched me in the stomach, it gave me cause to ponder… I don't know if I agree totally with the statement. Wait, yes I do.

What happens when you break? What comes to mind might be bones sticking out and blood going everywhere. But what happens when it's not physical? Or on the outside, so everyone can tell? So often we think that if your not bleeding, your not hurting. I mean, think about what we say to kids when they get hurt. Let me see, are you bleeding? No, your fine. Get back out there. Yet, maybe they are breaking inside. 

So how do we deal with this not breaking during the trials of life? Well, for me, I produce way too much acid for my stomach to handle, I don't sleep through the night (been up since 12:30 and it's 4 now), I loose weight then gain it right back and I seem to cry during the strangest programs on TV. But the question is, is this breaking me?

I believe that IF the evil one has his way, yes, it will break me. But when I think about God growing me, making me, so to speak, I see this as a test, aka trial. Maybe not just like Job, but so dang close it's scary at times. I haven't lost everything like he did and I'm not sitting in ashes with sores all over me, but let me tell you, it feels like it sometimes.

I have come to a point where I can't be like them anymore. 

Years ago (it just seems like a few days ago), I could let myself fall back into default mode. You know what I'm taking about? I'm going to get all up in your face and kick the living shit out of you! If I can't do that, then I'm going to secretly sabotage you. (I think I might have been a bully when I was in high school, at times anyway. This is not news that thrills me, but I am about being real, and I have warned you about that!)

So, what's different now? Well, I think it's about letting God make me into a new creation without letting myself break back into what I know, my default mode. Let me tell you, for an extraverted, strong willed, might have had tendencies to be a bully, this is hard stuff!

Just when I think I'm at the breaking point, I read something, or someone calls with a kind word. I want to kick and spit, but that's not who God wants me to be. It maybe where they are, but I don't have to wallow in their crap with them. 

Save me, O God,

for the waters have come up to my neck.

~ Psalm 69:1

  

Burn Baby Burn!

Holy Moly Batman!!!

I don't say that lightly! Sometimes it's Wow! Today, I believe it's both for me. Almost a Beatcha-by-golly-wow! I just gotta say, Jesus is the only way!

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver ~ Malachi 3:3

Can I get a witness? 

Preacher man and I are going through the fire. Not against each other, more like as a couple, which means it's getting pretty stinken hot around here. I opened up a devo book that I had laid down sometime ago, and Malachi was the scripture it had for today. Then it went on to say these words.

Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner's fire. It is with the most precious metals that a metallurgist will take the greatest care. He subjects the metal to a hot fire, for only the refiner's fire will melt the metal, release the dross, and allow the remaining, pure metal to take a new and perfect shape in the mold.

A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, "will sit" down by it so the fire will not become even one degree too hot and possibly harm the metal. And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the Fire. 

~ Pierson 

We are that precious metal. God is the refiner and He knows what He's doing. It is for our good and His glory that the dross (a waste product taken off molten metal during smelting) must come out. It's out junk, waste matter, refuse. It's so much a part of us that it takes a really hot fire to bring it to the surface so that it can be skimmed off. Without the fire, well, it stays right where it is. 

Do you know people who hold on to their bitterness like it was a precious metal? I have been holding on to my dross for dear life, but today, I'm done with it. God is refining me for more and I had forgotten that. The enemy of my soul had me blinded and preoccupied but no more. I remember it's Gods hand that holds me here and He is looking at me, expecting to see His reflection and I do not want to disappoint Him.

I did it!

I got an email from Sister Rachel today, of course it was after I sent her one telling her that I had passed my class and was now a certified Spiritual Director. What follows are her words to me:


Congratulations, Kim! You are one amazing woman. You remind me of St Mary Magdalen who went to the tomb to anoint Jesus' body; She had a passion to find Jesus and she hung around the empty cave until it happened. You have hung in the journey even when it felt empty and now look what you have for yourself. GREAT GOING.


To hear this from the woman who has walked beside me as my Spiritual Director for almost 2 years and who was my teacher through the spiritual exercises, well it meant a lot to say the least! 


The weekend was awesome on so many levels and yet I walked away feeling that I hadn't experienced what the others had. I think part of me got more than they did mainly cuz I've been through the spiritual exercises and Joe talked to that at a few points this weekend. 


See, I have been struggling lately, with so many things, and other peoples issues that I don't think I've really been hearing from God. Part of me hasn't really wanted to hear from him and part has been screaming out his name. The cool thing that Joe pointed out was that I wasn't depressed, (and I knew this) I was in desolation. Some of the words that describe desolation are: deprivation of companionship; loneliness; sorrow; grief; abandonment. Looking around me, I thought; Well of course, I have forgotten! 


The main difference between depression and desolation is you can feel the weight of depression. It's dark all the way through. There's no hope, joy or light...anywhere. Desolation is different because under it, is hope, joy...Jesus. I had not been abandoned by God! I had gone through the spiritual exercises and I was trying to make what had worked continue to work when I wasn't in the same place. God was opening the door for me again!

It has felt like I've been waiting at the empty cave for months. I'm still waiting, but I'm starting to see the light, to feel the hope and to know where my joy comes from. I'm a Certified Spiritual Director, and I'm pretty pumped about that!