Fear

What is up with fear anyway? I just don't get it, I don't want it and it can just go away for all I care! It's not that I'm a fearful person, or so I thought until I started this third week in sin from the spiritual exercises! In fact, if I can muscle my way through something, will it to happen, or work my butt off to see the end product, I am in a very happy place. But aren't we all? And isn't that what Jesus calls us to, go forth and be happy! NOT!!!


I have come to a place where I'm face to face with a fear I thought I had either forgotten about or had muscled my way through. This morning Jesus showed me yet again what I asked him to show me. I don't have faith that I can do certain things. I have failed so many times at so many things that I am fearful to try something new again, even if I know Jesus is with me, and God has made me for such a thing and it's my calling and Preacher man and Pat say I'm ready and they have faith in me to do it! Because it's something that I can't muscle my way through, will to happen or work my butt off to get to the end product. It only has something to do with me because I'm the vessel that God wants to use.

When Preacher man and I were at Seminary, one of the first people he met was a dude named Robert. Robert jumps out of planes. He came to Seminary to be a Chaplain. A chaplain that jumps out of planes. Sometimes Robert even jumps out of planes in the dark, but he doesn't do it alone, he's got his jumpen buddies (or whatever they are called). Robert took classes, read books and started by jumping out of the back of a truck, or something very close to the ground. He learned how to jump into nothingness, steer his way around in the air, how to land and roll so that he wouldn't break anything in his body. He had great teachers, people who had done it a bazzillion and lived to tell about it and, I'm sure he had a desire to jump out of that perfectly good airplane. BUT, I'm sure there was some fear in him when he suited up and got in that perfectly good airplane and took off knowing that he would not be hitting the ground in that very same, perfectly good airplane! Yet, knowing that God had called him to do that, so that He could call him to be a Chaplain, so that Robert could fulfill his calling. 

I'm getting ready to board that plane. I've taken the classes, read the books, been on tons of retreats, talked to the people who have lived through it, yet somehow I feel not quite ready. Surely there are more books to read, more practices to do, something that will make me feel more ready for this. That's when I hear that laughing that always comes from God when I try to out think Him. I start to cry, cuz I'm slowing getting it. This is the meekness that Jesus needs to work through this vessel. This is the humbleness that Jesus wants in order to use me for His purpose. It is not and never will be about what I can muscle my way through or will to happen or work my butt off to see the end product! It's about trusting in where and how and who. Where I've been, How I've been trained and Who I believe in!


I still have some fear, yet I also have a calmness that can only come from the Great Healer Himself! Jesus is my jumpen buddy!