Breathe!

The more things change the more they stay the same... Naw, that ain't it. More like everything I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten.  Today, I think I have to give some credit to the exercising industry, let me explain.

I have a tape that I try to do at least 4 times a week. In one part of the work out she says, "Don't forget to breath! Breathing is so important." At first I thought, Well duh! No breathing = death. It's not that she thinks we will forget how to breath, it's that when we workout sometimes we hold our breath, which I guess can also = death. 

It's important to breath correctly. I find that when I don't pay attention to my breathing when I'm running, I will get a side ache. When you start a move you breath in at the beginning and exhale at the end. It's the same with your spiritual life.

I guess I had forgotten that...

Sometimes we get so wrapped up with being in the 8th grade we forget the important things we learned in kindergarten. Or so wrapped up with being spiritual that we forget how important breathing is.

I invite you to breath with me. To pay attention to your breath as you inhale and exhale, for 5 minutes. My Spiritual Director reminded me of this today so I felt that maybe you might need to hear it too.    

Reminder!

It's been hard lately to be in the stillness, so I have opted to not seek the stillness.

This is always a bad idea. It's very idea comes straight from the the gates of hell. But we go there, I go there, and let me tell you I can justify being there too. 

Then something happens and it slaps you back into the real deal of obedience, of the age old question: Even if you never hear from Him again, will you still seek Him? My Spiritual Director put it like this: How would I respond if I never had another gift of consolation? 

You know, when Jesus left the Disciples, they went back to what they were doing before they met him. John 21 tells the story, and tucked in there is fishing. Peter says, I'm going fishing! He knew how to fish. He had been making a living fishing for his whole life before Jesus came along! So when you don't know how to go forward, you sometimes end up doing what you know how to do.

Jesus came to them again. To remind them they needed to feed His sheep!

So my Spiritual Director has me going back over the Principles and Foundation from Saint Ignatius. Today's reading was the last part, you know, the part that always get's ya'! 

I want and I choose what better leads to God's deepening life in me. 

I haven't posted, because I haven't had the words. It's been a quiet time, a lonely time. Sometimes just knowing that your not loosing your mind, that people have gone through "this" before and come out the other side better, is enough to hold on to.

We can not ignore the call.  

Back

Last Wednesday made a month since I've posted anything on this blog. What can I say, life has been kicking my butt, or at least trying.

In the past month I quit the soup kitchen gig

, and started at a gas station; lost a dear friend to suicide and felt the scariness of not knowing Jesus; celebrated with my sister at her wedding and saw the passion of ministry in my husbands eyes again; graduated with my certification as a spiritual director and started back at running. 

Life has been trying to kick my butt, but the cool part of it is I am getting those Ah-ha moments, and I gotta tell ya, I feel like I'm starting to come back into my own skin. Or at least, I'm starting to breath again. So there is an urge to write. 

So I write and I think. 

Sometimes life is just flat out hard people! Not just for me, but for us all!  

Allow the Holy Spirit to lead you today and see what happens. 

Habit

Why is it that we fall out of habit's that are good for us faster and farther than habit's that are bad? Is it something just made into us? Do we yearn to be disobedient? Is it the rebel wanting to yell in us all?

Billy Idol, Rebel Yell!

I have a list as long as my arm to be done! Some of those things have to happen, some are need, and then there is the MY list that mostly are wants. In all honesty, I'm pretty tired of lists and letting them rule my life. I also know what happens without them, nothing!

We all go through times when we are more on the ball than others, and sadly we waste time beating ourselves up about it when we could just get back into the swing of things. 

I think, this is something I need to talk to my spiritual director about, that will help me get back on tract! However, with me and my director, I already know what he's going to say. Get back at it, now. 

So I listened to what he would say, if I were to ask, and this is what I got this morning:

The world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, 

no matter how long,

but only by a spiritual journey,

a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling

and JOYFUL, by which we arrive at the ground

at out own feet and learn

to be at home. 

~ Wendell Berry

So today, I encourage you to get back at your spiritual journey. To do your inch today and let God take care of the miles!

Epiphany, Prayer and Nurses!

Epiphany Sunday! The end of the 12 day's of Christmas, as today is day 13 and the day the Gentiles got it! I like to think of it like the day a big light came on!  It is also the day that we celebrate the Three Wise Men showing up at Jesus' place and bringing him gifts. The period from January 7 to Ash Wednesday has no central theme and is one of two seasons of Ordinary Time. I mean, we have the Baptism of the Lord on the 13th and Transfiguration Sunday is February 10th, but Preacher man is starting a series on prayer so we won't be "celebrating" those Sunday's, so to speak.

This week we also start our new Bible study on prayer and I'm pretty excited about that. We will have 2 meeting times on Tuesday's so we can hopefully give everyone the opportunity  to come. It's just a thrilling time for me right now, because it's time to get down to business. The church is starting to trust us, the prayer team is growing and is understanding how important prayer is, new people are on committees and it's just a new year with new things in store.

I'm also at the half way spot for my Practicum I class, which is good and strange all at the same time. I'm working on my strengths and limitations as a director, which has been an enlightening experience, to say the least. It's been good to gain self knowledge and to be ok with how God has put me together. There always needs to be growth, as I'm fond of saying, God takes us as we are, but He doesn't leave us that way! 

I hope to start walking tomorrow and to do some Sherd, we'll see. One of the crazy women in the church, that's a retired nurse, came in today and gave Preacher man and I a flu shot. We have been baulking the whole flu shot thing for years! Two things she said changed our minds this year: Flu shots are like seat belts, they're there, but you don't have to use them, and The church is one of the best places to spread germs, you know, we love on each other and stuff. Fine Audrey! I took your dang flu shot! Dang nurses anyway!    

Notice

I leave tomorrow for beloved St. Scholastica, where I will be involved in a retreat given by Sister Rachel called "Waiting with Mary". I will then travel to Bella Vista to deliver BBQ sauce and spend the evening with Anne. Back at the monastery on Friday for class on Saturday then home again. So I'm getting my books and clothes in order and just trying to get things done around the house to prepare for the open house next week. I don't know why we do these things to ourselves, but we do!

While preparing for class I ran across an article William J. Connolly, S.J. called Noticing Key Interior Facts in the Early Stages of Spiritual Direction. Some of what he says stands out to me, actually, most of what he says stands out to me, he's awesome!

One of the reasons that people seek spiritual direction is become they find themselves stuck. Their prayer life isn't going anywhere, they aren't excited about God anymore, it's just dry and lonely. What I think we forget is that the Christian life is reception of and response to God's initiatives. We don't make any of this happen, at all! God does it, starts it, follows through with it, and brings it to completion. However, we must be apart of the dialogue, not only with our words, but also with our lives.

So what does that mean? Or look like? Or maybe even sound like? If Christian life is reception and response, conscious growth in Christian life will depend on noticing God's action and one's own response. Think about it; you can go through life and never notice that God is calling you to a certain vocation, a certain relationship, or anything else for that matter. I believe it's because we give to much credit to ourselves. Someone, somewhere said "God help's those who help themselves", not Biblical forks! Anyway, the point being, or the question I'm asking is: Are you noticing? We can grow consciously, humanly, and spiritually if we notice what is happening in our hearts.

During this time of rushing around, trying to be all things to all people, let's just stop and notice what's really going on in our hearts. Just start with something small, but start. Notice how you react to things asked of you. What happens when they expect you to do... How do you respond? When your responding, how does it feel in your heart? What is God saying to you in that moment? 

I did it!

I got an email from Sister Rachel today, of course it was after I sent her one telling her that I had passed my class and was now a certified Spiritual Director. What follows are her words to me:


Congratulations, Kim! You are one amazing woman. You remind me of St Mary Magdalen who went to the tomb to anoint Jesus' body; She had a passion to find Jesus and she hung around the empty cave until it happened. You have hung in the journey even when it felt empty and now look what you have for yourself. GREAT GOING.


To hear this from the woman who has walked beside me as my Spiritual Director for almost 2 years and who was my teacher through the spiritual exercises, well it meant a lot to say the least! 


The weekend was awesome on so many levels and yet I walked away feeling that I hadn't experienced what the others had. I think part of me got more than they did mainly cuz I've been through the spiritual exercises and Joe talked to that at a few points this weekend. 


See, I have been struggling lately, with so many things, and other peoples issues that I don't think I've really been hearing from God. Part of me hasn't really wanted to hear from him and part has been screaming out his name. The cool thing that Joe pointed out was that I wasn't depressed, (and I knew this) I was in desolation. Some of the words that describe desolation are: deprivation of companionship; loneliness; sorrow; grief; abandonment. Looking around me, I thought; Well of course, I have forgotten! 


The main difference between depression and desolation is you can feel the weight of depression. It's dark all the way through. There's no hope, joy or light...anywhere. Desolation is different because under it, is hope, joy...Jesus. I had not been abandoned by God! I had gone through the spiritual exercises and I was trying to make what had worked continue to work when I wasn't in the same place. God was opening the door for me again!

It has felt like I've been waiting at the empty cave for months. I'm still waiting, but I'm starting to see the light, to feel the hope and to know where my joy comes from. I'm a Certified Spiritual Director, and I'm pretty pumped about that!