Forgiveness and completion

I found it almost funny that my devotion this morning was about forgiveness. It was called the difference between the power of prayer and the power of God, but for me, it was about forgiveness. The scripture that states:

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 

I think sometimes we really do work hard at forgiving. Sometimes it's because of scriptures like this one, sometimes it's because we get tired of drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die. Whatever our reason, we know that it's wrong, no matter how we try to justify it. I mean seriously, don't you want God to forgive your sins?!? 

This is where I found myself this morning, needing to forgive, yet again! The bishop is speaking to my parents church today and you don't know how badly I want to go up there and give him a piece of my mind. (Well, some of you do.) Instead, here I sit, talking to God and writing to you. That's when I found this:

CLOSURE or COMPLETION

Due to the current overlay of therapy terminology in our language, everyone now seems to wish for "closure." This word is unfortunate; it is not faithful to the open-ended rhythm of experience. Creatures made of clay with porous skin and porous minds are quite incapable of the hermetic sealing that the strategy of "closure" seems to imply. 

The word “completion” is a truer word. Each experience has within it a dynamic of unfolding and a narrative of emergence. Oscar Wilde once said, "The supreme vice is shallowness. Whatever is realized is right." When a person manages to trust experience and be open to it, the experience finds its own way to realization. Though such an ending may be awkward and painful, there is a sense of wholesomeness and authenticity about it. Then the heart will gradually find that this stage has run its course and the ending is substantial and true. Eventually the person emerges with a deeper sense of freedom, certainty, and integration. 

~ John O'Donohue

I am at a place of completion. 

It's that simple really and yet that hard. When I left this state in 1986, it was something that I had wanted to do since I was in High School. I spent the next 20 years wanting to go home, back to Arkansas. Being back here has been awesome, awkward, full of laughs and full of pain... it has been part of my life. I have been open to the experiences and as real as I know how to be. This chapter is done, this part of the play has run it's course and the ending is true for me. There need not be closure just completion.

There is sadness in leaving again, but this time around I have Jesus with me in a whole different way. In having that new way with Jesus, I also have new hope. 

As it was said with such style years ago by the great MC Hammer:U Cant Touch This

Learn it!

I'm coming to the conclusion that the more we know, the more there is to learn. I know this isn't a new thought, but for some reason it feels new to me right now. 

I remember years ago, praying to be used by God. Didn't have a job in mind when I started praying this, cuz I wanted to be open to God and what He had for me. So He put me in the soup kitchen. I thought at first this was a crazy mistake, but I went with it. The best job I have ever had! During this time my husband (pre-Preacher man), got his calling to go into full-time ministry. Again, I thought this was a crazy mistake. The best place, school, and learning we could have ever received! 

Now, we find ourselves in the wilderness and it's got to be a mistake! How can we work for God like this? It's dry and lonely and cold and lonely and did I say lonely? 

I'm learning that God is still God and I am still one of His beloved, but I'm at a new and different place with Him. It's hard because I haven't been here before so I don't know what I suppose to do. I've had people tell me pride goes before the fall that have no idea what we're going through. As much as I want to answer that with my words of wisdom straight from the 8th grade, I don't. So this morning, you know what this silent God showed me?

The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold,

but the Lord tests the heart.

~Proverbs 17:3

So, no matter where you find yourself today, know that God is calling you to more. More of Him. It will be or is, difficult. Know that to begin with. When God calls you to more, it's not a cake walk, it's a narrow path but it leads to Him.

Press on! Let the crucible your in burn away the flux that holds you back from being more. Let the fire of the furnace be turned up so that the glory of God shines right through you! And remember that the Lord tests the heart. 

Peace Out!

Epiphany, Prayer and Nurses!

Epiphany Sunday! The end of the 12 day's of Christmas, as today is day 13 and the day the Gentiles got it! I like to think of it like the day a big light came on!  It is also the day that we celebrate the Three Wise Men showing up at Jesus' place and bringing him gifts. The period from January 7 to Ash Wednesday has no central theme and is one of two seasons of Ordinary Time. I mean, we have the Baptism of the Lord on the 13th and Transfiguration Sunday is February 10th, but Preacher man is starting a series on prayer so we won't be "celebrating" those Sunday's, so to speak.

This week we also start our new Bible study on prayer and I'm pretty excited about that. We will have 2 meeting times on Tuesday's so we can hopefully give everyone the opportunity  to come. It's just a thrilling time for me right now, because it's time to get down to business. The church is starting to trust us, the prayer team is growing and is understanding how important prayer is, new people are on committees and it's just a new year with new things in store.

I'm also at the half way spot for my Practicum I class, which is good and strange all at the same time. I'm working on my strengths and limitations as a director, which has been an enlightening experience, to say the least. It's been good to gain self knowledge and to be ok with how God has put me together. There always needs to be growth, as I'm fond of saying, God takes us as we are, but He doesn't leave us that way! 

I hope to start walking tomorrow and to do some Sherd, we'll see. One of the crazy women in the church, that's a retired nurse, came in today and gave Preacher man and I a flu shot. We have been baulking the whole flu shot thing for years! Two things she said changed our minds this year: Flu shots are like seat belts, they're there, but you don't have to use them, and The church is one of the best places to spread germs, you know, we love on each other and stuff. Fine Audrey! I took your dang flu shot! Dang nurses anyway!    

Rachel's Dad!

I found this on FaceBook this morning and was so moved by the truth of it that I had to share! Thank you Darrell Scott!

COLUMBINE STUDENT'S FATHER 12 YEARS LATER !!
Guess our national leaders didn't expect this. On Thursday, Darrell Scott, the father of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine High School shootings in Littleton, Colorado, was invited to address the House Judiciary Committee's subcommittee. What he said to our national leaders during this special session of Congress was painfully truthful.

They were not prepared for what he was to say, nor was it received well. It needs to be heard by every parent, every teacher, every politician, every sociologist, every psychologist, and every so-called expert! These courageous words spoken by Darrell Scott are powerful, penetrating, and deeply personal. There is no doubt that God sent this man as a voice crying in the wilderness.. The following is a portion of the transcript:
"Since the dawn of creation there has been both good & evil in the hearts of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and the deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers.

"The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used.. Neither was it the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain, and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart.

"In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that they are responsible for my daughter's death.

Therefore I do not believe that they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel's murder I would be their strongest opponent.

I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy -- it was a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame lies! Much of the blame lies here in this room. Much of the blame lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves. I wrote a poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best.

Your laws ignore our deepest needs,
Your words are empty air.
You've stripped away our heritage,
You've outlawed simple prayer.
Now gunshots fill our classrooms,
And precious children die.
You seek for answers everywhere,
And ask the question "Why?"
You regulate restrictive laws,
Through legislative creed.
And yet you fail to understand,
That God is what we need!

"Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, mind, and spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and wreak havoc. Spiritual presences were present within our educational systems for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries. This is a historical fact. What has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we open the doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as Columbine's tragedy occurs -- politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that contribute to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not need more restrictive laws. Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own hearts.

"As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes, he did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge every young person in America , and around the world, to realize that on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with Him. To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA -- I give to you a sincere challenge.. Dare to examine your own heart before casting the first stone!

My daughter's death will not be in vain! The young people of this country will not allow that to happen!"

- Darrell Scott

New Self?

So, is time getting away from you too, or is it just me? That's what I thought! My time away from home this past weekend, sent me into a tail spin yesterday with making list's, going to store's, the post office, starting the cooking craziness and being overall flat out stressed. Then, when I took a minute after I received a call from my Daddy, I started putting things into order in my heart. This meant pulling out a prayer that just might end up being my mantra for awhile! I'm a gona' share it with you right now!

Searching for Our Self

Good Shepherd, who finds the lost one,

the "me" I have known has disappeared.

Will I ever recover the person I have been?

Will I find who I am, and who I am becoming?

Protect me in this great vulnerability.

Assure me that I will come home to myself

even thought my "self" may be different. 

Silence my impatience. Calm my worry.

Restore my joy. Dispel my negativity.

Help me to befriend my new self with hope.

Isn't that cool? It's not a bad thing to become someone new, however, it can be scary. The more I change, the more I look back and say things like, Wait! I didn't like that about me anyway! This new joy is so much bigger than the old joy! We need to change and grow, we need to become uncomfortable with where and who we are. We need to take a deep breath, invite the Holy Spirit to come over us, and just be. I know it's hard, but if you will do it once, you will be able to do it again. The next thing you know, you are digging this new self you are becoming.

God takes us as we are, but He doesn't leave us that way. This is what is known as change! 

Wanted to Share

I found this and wanted to share it. It was written by Tom Junod and I hope you like it.

Once upon a time, a little boy loved a stuffed animal whose name was Old Rabbit. It was so old, in fact, that it was really an unstuffed animal; so old that even back then, with the little boy's brain still nice and fresh, he had no memory of it as "Young Rabbit," or even "Rabbit"; so old that Old Rabbit was barely a rabbit at all but rather a greasy hunk of skin without eyes and ears, with a single red stitch where its tongue used to be.

The little boy didn't know why he loved Old Rabbit; he just did, and the night he threw it out the car window was the night he learned how to pray. He would grow up to become a great prayer, this little boy, but only intermittently, only fitfully, praying only when fear and desperation drove him to it, and the night he threw Old Rabbit into the darkness was the night that set the pattern, the night that taught him how. He prayed for Old Rabbit's safe return, and when, hours later, his mother and father came home with the filthy, precious strip of rabbity roadkill, he learned not only that prayers are sometimes answered but also the kind of severe effort they entail, the kind of endless frantic summoning. And so when he threw Old Rabbit out the car window the next time, it was gone for good.

Then he added this:

Once upon a time, a man named Fred Rogers decided that he wanted to live in heaven. Heaven is the place where good people go when they die, but this man, Fred Rogers, didn't want to go to heaven; he wanted to live in heaven, here, now, in this world, and so one day, when he was talking about all the people he had loved in this life, he looked at me and said, "The connections we make in the course of a life--maybe that's what heaven is, Tom. We make so many connections here on earth. Look at us--I've just met you, but I'm investing in who you are and who you will be, and I can't help it."

The next afternoon, I went to his office in Pittsburgh. He was sitting on a couch, under a framed rendering of the Greek word for grace and a biblical phrase written in Hebrew that means "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine." A woman was with him, sitting in a big chair. Her name was Deb. She was very pretty. She had a long face and a dark blush to her skin. She had curls in her hair and stars at the centers of her eyes. She was a minister at Fred Rogers's church. She spent much of her time tending to the sick and the dying. Fred Rogers loved her very much, and so, out of nowhere, he smiled and put his hand over hers.  

"Will you be with me when I die?" he asked her, and when she said yes, he said, "Oh, thank you, my dear." Then, with his hand still over hers and his eyes looking straight into hers, he said, "Deb, do you know what a great prayer you are? Do you know that about yourself? Your prayers are just wonderful." Then he looked at me. I was sitting in a small chair by the door, and he said, "Tom, would you close the door, please?" I closed the door and sat back down. "Thanks, my dear," he said to me, then turned back to Deb. "Now, Deb, I'd like to ask you a favor," he said. "Would you lead us? Would you lead us in prayer?"

Deb stiffened for a second, and she let out a breath, and her color got deeper. "Oh, I don't know, Fred," she said. "I don't know if I want to put on a performance..."

Fred never stopped looking at her or let go of her hand. "It's not a performance. It's just a meeting of friends," he said. He moved his hand from her wrist to her palm and extended his other hand to me. I took it and then put my hand around her free hand. His hand was warm, hers was cool, and we bowed our heads, and closed our eyes, and I heard Deb's voice calling out for the grace of God.  

What is grace? I'm not certain; all I know is that my heart felt like a spike, and then, in that room, it opened and felt like an umbrella. I had never prayed like that before, ever.  

I had always been a great prayer, a powerful one, but only fitfully, only out of guilt, only when fear and desperation drove me to it... and it hit me, right then, with my eyes closed, that this was the moment Fred Rogers--Mister Rogers--had been leading me to from the moment he answered the door of his apartment in his bathrobe and asked me about Old Rabbit. Once upon a time, you see, I lost something, and prayed to get it back, but when I lost it the second time, I didn't, and now this was it, the missing word, the unuttered promise, the prayer I'd been waiting to say a very long time.  "Thank you, God," Mister Rogers said.

Wide Place

Once a month I get the privilege of talking with my Spiritual Director. He would rather be called a Spiritual Guide, and I get that! God is the real Director and we just walk beside each other pointing out things. I am constantly blown away at how God uses other people to speak to me. Let me give you an example.

I'm doing something I've never done before, I'm truly being a Preacher's wife, in the all and nothing that it entails. My main thing is to take care of the Preacher, his home and all that goes with that, which includes mowing the yard, watering everything I can get my hands on and cooking meals, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't made this way, or maybe I should say I wasn't raised this way. Yet, maybe I was, I say that because I have the skills to do all that I just named and they had to come from somewhere! 

Two weeks ago, Preacher man told me he wanted a prayer team. I straighten up and took note of what he might have in mind. That's up to you he told me. Now this is something I went to school for...So two ladies came to mind, I asked, they said yes, we have said prayer team. We came together for our first meeting and I was so excited I could have started a brush fire. These ladies really wanted to be in prayer for the church and I was lovin' it! When it came time to pray, I said I would start and close out, but for them to jump in there when ever they wanted to. At the end, I was the only one that prayed and my heart sank.

I told this to my Spiritual Guide and he asked me what was God saying to me through that? What came to me was that God is everywhere and with everyone at whatever place they find themselves. I want to experience what I experienced in prayer at Asbury! Yet, these people weren't at Asbury and shouldn't be held to my expectations of what prayer looks like. In fact, this is just what prayer should look like... two or more gathering and communing with the Holy one in the way that they know how!

My Guide asked where are you now? I am in a very wide place right now! I have been in a very confined, controlled place that didn't allow for me to experience any of this wideness of God. Those gates have been taken down and God is calling me out into a very wide place, that is so different from what I know that I'm flipping out. 

So my heart soars at the thought of meeting with the prayer team again and being with them and God in the way that fits us! This is a new place, and we are about new things. And you know what? It's good!       

Ladders and Letting Go!

I am finding that in the mist of the heat, hassle and hair left on the carpet, that I am just about settled into the parsonage on Reeves Road! The hard part is left...where to stick this stuff I don't want out! But it's coming together and I see another yard sell in the future!


Sunday service was yet again an experience in true old fashioned love. I find myself asking; Can these people be for real? How can it be this easy to be with a group of strangers? This church is the real deal and they are blessing our socks off. We got two notes yesterday telling us how glad they were we were here. I told Preacher man, They have no idea how glad we are to be here! It's just the way it should be. Sure, there's a honeymoon period and it will come to an end. But I am liven large in this moment for as long as it lasts!

I've come to the conclusion that it's about letting go for me. I really don't have a problem being around people and having a good time. But to let go and let them see me for who I really am, well that's something that I'm learning. When you've been burned, you don't stick your neck out there as fast. Thomas Merton said we spend our whole life climbing up the ladder of supposed success, and when we get to the top, we find the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall and there is nothing at the top. He says the spiritual life is about letting go for the false agendas and the unreal goals. It's more about unlearning than learning.


I think when we unlearn our idea of prayer and see that it can be as easy as sitting and being, that's when God enlarges our boundaries. That's when we get freed up to be who God is calling us to be. I get that we have lived a long time with the false idea of what worship should be, prayer should be and how we should act in church. My prayer is that God frees us from ourselves so that we can really be! To just be in His presence, that's what I'm after!


   

Different Place

I am in such a different place! I mean I'm still physically here, in Rogers, but I feel like I've been moved to a high plane or something. It's good, sad, life giving, exciting and strange all wrapped up into one. The only thing I know to call it is different. 


I remember when the end of the spiritual exercise class came, I was in a place like this. It's big and spacious with a nice breeze blowing through your hair. It's like when you go on a two week vacation and about day 6 you get that your on vacation and you start to really enjoy your time instead of running from place to place. I imagine that retired people might feel this way when they get that they are retired.


So yesterday, Preacher man preached his last sermon at Central UMC to first service and he did an awesome job. One of the ladies from that service said she loves the way he preaches cuz he makes being a Christ follower, doable! 


I had a conversation with God while I was running a few weeks ago about Preacher man's last day as Preacher man at CUMC and I wanted something special for him. The SPR (Staff, Pastor, Relation) was getting him a cake and having people bring cards if they wanted to, but something special is about non-material stuff to me. So this is what God told me to do. Pray over him, lay hands on him and pray over him! Ingenious! God is so smart!


We love us some folks at first service, not to say that we don't love folks in the other services, but there something about that group. I knew that if I started this praying thing up, that they would join in. So after the last song, right before the benediction, I walked up beside Preacher man and said to the congregation, He doesn't have any idea what I'm doing. Silly man asked me if I wanted to give the benediction! I told everybody, that where I come from, when someone leaves to go on a mission, or is appointed to another place, we all gathered around them and lay hands on them and pray over them. I invited them to come and do just that and I would pray. It was the most awesome thing that I have been apart of at the church! People were crying and hugging after wards, it was just awesome! 


So it's done now, our time at CUMC. It was real, and it was fun... and now it's time to go have fun somewhere else. The one thing I leave this place is something I leave everywhere I go and that's my laughter. See, I'm real, all the time! You hurt me, I bleed. You hug me, I hug back. You cry, I cry with you. You take the time to reach out to me, to know me and my heart and I reach out to know you. Life is short people and we need to slow down and spend time with each other. To the lovely people at CUMC that did take the time, I loved laughing with you and getting to know you! I will carry you in my heart, always. You will be the people that we started with, that we talk about when we say things like "Remember that first appointment and those people?" We grew here! Now it's time to go grow somewhere else. This will always be our first church. Thanks!          

Jesus Place

So what does your "place" look like? You know, that place that you go to in order to be away with Jesus. 

I struggled with this for a while when I started out on my journey with Jesus. I thought it had to be perfect and you know, all that before He would show up. I've had spots at a desk, in an over stuffed chair, outside, and right now I'm in a stiff backed chair sitting at a tea table that is being used as an alter. I got the alter idea from the Sister's at St. Scholastica. Seems this is something done more often with Catholics than Protestants. Along the same line that Protestants have an empty cross and Catholics have Jesus on the cross.


This is my Jesus place. On the back of the chair hangs my prayer shawl that my gifted and talented sister Pat made. (FYI, if you need one let me know, and I'll put you in touch with her!) I have my monk standing on the right with an icon of the trinity, pictures of the heart of Jesus, Mary and baby Jesus and Jesus. A candle sits in the middle with Holy water from the Jordan river, a crucifix along with my notebook, Bible and journal. On the wall hangs the empty cross, but I couldn't fit it in the picture. This is where I go. I shut the door and light the candle and when the door is shut, no one comes a knocking.


Jesus told us to go into our closet to pray. Now, there is just too much in my closet per say, and if I lit a candle in there, well, I wouldn't have as much to pack. I believe that Jesus is calling us to come away with him, for him. Does it have to be in a closet? I don't think so, I just think it needs to be a place away. When I come into this room, shut the door, light the candle and sit down, my mind, body, and spirit know it's time to get with Jesus. The alter is more for me than Him. I have a busy mind, surprise, and having these things to look at and meditate on, keeps me focused on my business at hand.


I challenge you to start praying about your place with Jesus. Does it need to change in order to keep you focused? Do you need something on a table like this, or just a candle and Bible? What is so cool about having a place is it's just for you and Jesus. It can change and mine does, depending on the liturgical year (Lent, Advent) and what's going on with me.


Find your place to be with Jesus, and see what changes in your prayer life.
     

Getting Real.

Nikon Sniper

I think there are a lot of us that need to know more about forgiveness. I don't have all the answers, I can't even say, I got this forgiveness thing down! What I can do is talk about what works for me. Try what sounds right to your heart, and throw the rest away!


First and foremost, we need to remember that we are ALL broken and Jesus is the great healer. The Holy Ones' desire is to make us whole. For me, forgiveness is more about God working in my life than it is about me doing much. Now don't get me wrong, it doesn't just happen without anything from me! I have never found myself walking down the road and feeling forgiveness dumped on me! However, I'm also not saying it couldn't happen, cuz God is God and I'm not! 


I think when I know I need to forgive someone, it's starts showing up in my face more than normal. It's almost like God is bringing it to the forefront of my life, cuz he's ready for me to deal with it. So I start out by asking God, What in the world are you wanting me to do about this? The best place to see the answers are in the Bible. So I start looking up scriptures on forgiveness. The one that's rocked my world lately is Matthew 6:14-15, and I'm going to share from the Message.

In prayer, there is a connection between what God does and what you do.

You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others.

If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.

If I don't do my part, but what is my part?

Wanting to forgive.

Well, God, I really don't feel the want to! 

Ask for it.

I kick the ground, turn away, and think about it for a day or 8. 

Why do I always have to be the one to start all this? If they would ask for my forgiveness, I would give it. But I don't want it.

There in lines the key to all of this... wanting it! How in the world do you want something you don't want? Well, friend, it's a choice. You have to choose to want it, then God will give you the grace that you desire and the learning process begins. 

GOD! CHANGE MY HEART SO THAT I WANT TO FORGIVE! 

Everyday, you ask! Every time it comes to mind, you ask! You beg the Holy One to change you from the inside out!

Is it easy? Heck no! I deserve to hold this grudge, this unforgiveness that has been a dis-ease to my soul and has taken me so far away from the love of God.... 

You need to stop justifying your unforgiveness. Lay it down, right here at the feet of my son, and walk away. Come back as often as you need to and lay it down again. He will take it and in place of that dis-ease, my son will give you the peace that passes all understanding.

All we have to do is ask. There is no secret way of doing this. I turn my hands upward, so that I can receive what he gives me. I humbly come before the throne of grace and I get real with my maker!

We all need to get real, and we need to do it now.

  

Litany

It's early and I wanted to post before I went off to work. A friend gave this to me and I want to pass it on to you!

A LITANY of the PERSON

image of God

born of God's breath

vessel of divine Love

after his likeness

dwelling of God

capacity for the infinite

eternally known

home of Infinite Majesty

abiding in the Son

called from eternity

life in the Lord

temple of the Holy Spirit

branch of Christ

receptacle of the Most High

wellspring of Living Water

heir of the kingdom

the glory of God

abode of the Trinity.

God sings this litany

eternally in his Word.

This is who you are.

Abbey of Gethsemani - Trappist, KY 

Center

I think I have been up every morning this week at around 2:30. It is making for long nights and tired mornings, yet I'm looking at why it's happening. OK, I don't know why it's happening, but I'm doing something besides tossing and turning and being mad about it. I'm working on my centering prayer. Now this is not the only time I do centering prayer, I also try to do it for about 20 minutes everyday. What I use to do was lay and fret. Do you know how to lay and fret? I bet you do!
Sister Rachel and I talked about it yesterday and mainly it's spiraling down into your deepest center. It's this point of stillness within us where we experience being created by a loving God who is breathing us into life. So for those of you who might not know how to do this, I'm gonna tell ya!
* Sit quietly, comfortable and relaxed.
* Close your eyes and pay attention to your breathing.
* Rest within your longing and desire for God.
* Move to the center within your deepest self. You can do this by imaging yourself slowly descending in an elevator, or walking down stairs, or descending a mountain, I see myself as going down into water, as in a deep pool.
* Repeat your word, Peace, Jesus, Holy, whatever word you want.
* In the stillness, become aware of God's presence.
I don't really know what happens and in all honesty, it doesn't matter. Knowing that I'm totally dependent on God and am surrendered to His Spirit is what's important.
Sister Rachel said she could tell I had changed, I think this might have something to do with it. There is a peace that comes, even though the rest of the world is still spinning out of control, there is peace with God.  

Hiddenness vs Popularness

I'm really looking forward to going to visit Sr. Rachel on Friday! I will be finishing up the book she gave me to go through and I gotta say it's a good one. I have a few things I want to chat with her about to make sure I'm hearing God right. 


One of the things that God is pressing on me seems to be hiddenness. When I look the word up, here's what I found; to conceal from sight; prevent from being seen or discovered. Jesus would come away into hiddenness to be with God and I know that He calls us to be away with Him also, but how many of us make the time? I think that part of this hiddenness is learning to BE. 


Have you ever been persecuted? To pursue with harassing or oppressive treatment, especially because of religion, race or beliefs. Preacher man and I have. It ain't no fun, however, in being persecuted, you know that your doing what God is calling you to do and your pissing the evil one off! So what are we to do about persecution? Go into hiddenness with God! That's what I've been doing and just this morning had a great conversation with Jesus it went like this: 
At times, I feel like you've forgotten me. I am getting a taste of how hard ministry can be. Yes. I'm seeing that we have to be totally dependent on you. Yes, man will fail you. Yeah! They undermine, they lie, they hurt. Why can't it be like it was in Wilmore? WAIT - that was strange too. It's always going to be, depend on you for everything. We can't power our way through this. We have to be powered by Jesus through this. Isn't it enough that his family has closed the door on him? that we have no friends? You have a few. true enough. I am working in you, doing a new thing, still. Can you not see it? Not very clearly. Will you still follow? Yes...but No buts! Follow where I lead! 



Ministry is lonely but maybe it has to be in order to get attached to the source. We need to turn inward and upward towards Jesus, the maker and perfecter of our souls. 
I gave it all for you, only some people get it. Can't you give me your all?


So to go into hiddenness is to be filled up. If we don't take time to do this, our public life for God cannot bear fruit. Our hiddenness causes us to focus on God. Here, we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support or encouragement. In our hiddenness, we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we need. Nouwen puts it like this, In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness.We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly become dependent on people and their responses and easily loss touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.


So, I am in search of my true self. Is it easy? NO! Because I have lived in the visible, popular places all my life. Yet it is doable and desirable on a level that I can't even point to. To give it my all, to give Jesus my all, THAT'S what it all about, not the hokey pokey!        

Jesus Left that Place!

We have cooking to do for Sunday school class today. Once a year they open all the classes up so people can walk around and see what the others are doing. It's like the bigger church when we steal people from other churches and say we are growing. You know church swapping, this is Sunday school swapping, lame! Anyway, we are going to cook a Hawaiian Banana Nut Bread, thought about doing Cheese grits but it's so messy and how would I keep it warm for an hour and blah, blah, blah! Also need to get to the post office and mail some pickles to Maggie in NC, and we must get some to Jim in CO cuz he makes my labels! Then we'll maybe go run around down town to see what's up in the antique shops.

I had an eye opening experience last night to what life has been like for Preacher man and I gotta say, Lord have mercy! Then this morning, I'm reading one of the blogs I follow and there it is, God talking to me! I go have my time with God and once again, he says look here! I'm telling you people, when you get real and open with God, He will speak volumes to you, especially when you would rather rant and rave about your sorry state of affairs! 
So the blog was about Matthew 15:21-28. Jesus left that place... He had been hanging with that lovely band of righteous fools, the Pharisees, who believed they had the "inside track" to God. Jesus was leaving more than a physical place, he was leaving an attitude. He had to get some "fresh air". Then this Canaanite woman comes along and starts yelling at Jesus, Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is tormented by a demon. Jesus kept on walking. (I feel like that woman a lot, Lord! What are you doing? Have mercy on us Lord!!!) Jesus is revealing that her faith is great! (Really?) Jesus was showing her cry for mercy was genuine and real, where he had just come from, those dudes didn't cry for mercy, they had it together and were following the action plan laid out by some 'I got my stuff together' leader! I love how Harper puts it, The woman was willing to settle for 'crumbs' from Jesus, whereas the Pharisees and scribes had refused to accept the whole loaf. They didn't need Jesus' bread; they had made their own bread. Jesus had to leave that place and go to where people were hungry for whatever God would give them. Isn't that rich? I'm sitting going, Yeah!!! Leave Jesus, go somewhere else where people will listen. Then it hits me, Jesus is asking the same of me, to leave my state of presumption and become the seeking woman! 
See, I know what I know, and I'm not done learning. I am seeking and learning how to just BE and it's not always easy. In fact, it plan just gets hard. I don't have it all together but I feel like I'm doing what God is calling me to. So when I have to be submitted to the Pharisees I get a little bent about it! 
So Jesus is saying Leave that place, within myself and keep seeking after Jesus! Yet the Pharisees say, look at our lovely cool-aid, won't you have some? I am satisfied with the crumbs that come my way, cuz I know who made the bread! I will not drink your cool-aid!