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Last Wednesday made a month since I've posted anything on this blog. What can I say, life has been kicking my butt, or at least trying.

In the past month I quit the soup kitchen gig

, and started at a gas station; lost a dear friend to suicide and felt the scariness of not knowing Jesus; celebrated with my sister at her wedding and saw the passion of ministry in my husbands eyes again; graduated with my certification as a spiritual director and started back at running. 

Life has been trying to kick my butt, but the cool part of it is I am getting those Ah-ha moments, and I gotta tell ya, I feel like I'm starting to come back into my own skin. Or at least, I'm starting to breath again. So there is an urge to write. 

So I write and I think. 

Sometimes life is just flat out hard people! Not just for me, but for us all!  

Allow the Holy Spirit to lead you today and see what happens. 

Fearless?

So we start another week. Do we have to? Well, yes, we do, cuz I don't want to  stay around in last week, do you?

I want to say a few more words about fear. It really is an easy topic to talk about because so many of us are eat up with it. We like to think we aren't, we like to think we are brave and courageous. That we have No Fear, (wasn't that a logo a while back?) which would be the absence of fear.

Fearlessness in not the same as the absence of fear. When we are fearless, we are very much aware of the fear we face. I think about it this way. When we lived in Hawaii, I was afraid of two things. Getting burned alive by a volcano eruptions and the high dive at the pool. Now we lived on Oahu, and the active volcano was on the Big Island, but I was still had this fear. One year, we took a family trip to the Big Island and they have a chair called Pele's chair. (Pele is the goddess of the volcano.) You could sit in this chair and make a wish. My sister did just that and wished the volcano would erupt, because it had been thinking about it for years, but hadn't busted through the surface. So what do you think happened? Yes, my fear had come to life, we were going to die from this eruption and it was going to hurt really bad!

So what does my family do? You would think we would get on the first plane out of there and head to Alaska! BUT NO!!! We pack up and drive right down where the hot action is so the kids could see this once in a life time flowing of melted earth! You know what happened when we got there? It was hot, hotter than anything I had ever experienced, but it was also beautiful. In fact it took my breath away at life in the making.

Now the high dive, it was a horse of a different color. It couldn't come after me, I had to go to it. I had to look at this long and hard. I did, one day, climb those bazillion steps up to the top and I jumped off without killing myself. I became aware of my fear and saw it as a compass more than a barrier. (I did not know all this wisdom at the time, I was in the 3rd grade)

Fear can become a way to know what to do next, not an evil demon to be extinguished!  

When we deny our fear, we make it stronger.

When we reassure the voice in our head, that everything is going to be ok, we actually reinforce it.

Pushing back on fear doesn't make us brave and it doesn't make us fearless. Acknowledging fear and moving on is a very different approach, one that allows it to exist without strengthening it.

Life without fear doesn't last very long, you'll be run over by a bus (or someone one in the church) before you know it. The fearless person, on the other hand, sees the world as it is (fear included) and then makes smart (and brave) decisions.

Service

We had a service of Thanksgiving yesterday. What struck me the most, and what continues to  blow my mind, is the awe I have for the men and women who serve our country. This picture is of the group of Vet's that stood, with flags, at the entrance of the church and escorted the urn, via bikes, to the cemetery.

I walked up to each of these service men, dressed in their riding leathers, bandana's and sunglasses, shook their hands, looked them in the eye, and thanked them for their service. They each said, It is my honor to be here! It brings tears to my eyes even as I write this.  

Being the driver of the Pastor, put's me in a unique position in the line of cars, I drive the lead car. The Pastor leads the family and friends to the grave site. He's the Shepard.

Upon our arrival, active Air Force men stood at attention. The Vet's unloaded, got their flags and surrounded the area. A silent protection. After Preacher man was done, the Air Force refolded the flag and presented it to the wife. This was followed by a 21 gun salute and the playing of Taps. Full military honors.

The thing that struck me the most, was watching Preacher man through all this. See, before he was Preacher man, he was Army man for a while. So when they said Present Arms I could see, under the robe, Preacher man's arm want to jump up there. But he has a higher calling now. The uniform he wears now, is of a Holy cloth.

Remember to thank your service men and women for what they do for our country. Don't forget your Pastor, who fights a spiritual battle for you! 



        

It's Hard

Do you ever have one of those day's, that turns into one of those weeks, and before you know it, it's one of those months? Wow, I seem to be there and for some reason, can't seem to do much about it. It's like my train has jumped the track and I'm still going in the right direction, just off the track and making a ton of noise, throwing up dust and rocks. I just can't seem to jump back on the tracks. Or am I just loosing it?

The month started out good enough with a discernment retreat for practicum class. Good news, God is still calling me to spiritual direction! By the time I got home, our world was already changing. Preacher man and I are back into youth ministry, which has turned out to be a blessing. 

Went to an Enneagram conference and found out I'm a 3. The Enneagram is an ancient personality tying system that identifies nine types of people and how they relate to one another. It's a power tool for explaining why persons behave the way they do, and why motivation is largely determined by personality.

Was in charge of church pictures. What a trip that was, and still is.

The hardest thing we've done this month was saying good bye to Sam. Words are so hard to come by to explain the hole a beloved pet leaves when they die. This past year, we've also said good bye to Yazi, but Sam was a Golden Retriever, and theres just not anything closer to a Jesus dog than a Golden. 

It was getting harder and harder to get Sam in and out of the house, as his hips continued to fall apart. His breathing was so labored and he just couldn't get around like he wanted to. His last morning, he was laying in the back yard and I went outside with his leash. He struggled to jump up and was so excited to be going on a walk. We went through the gate and had it not been for the bushes, I think he would have fallen. Preacher man was at the truck, and then Sam knew he was going for a truck ride. Sam loves to go! His eyes were so bright and his tail wagged so hard... It took both of us to pick him up and place him in the back. He struggled to his feet and was ready for a ride. As I stood in the yard watching them drive down the road,with tears running down my face, I could see his tail wagging.

Love is hard sometimes. I bet Jesus understand that.

I know Jesus was there to welcome my Sam home, with Yazi and Shyela beside Him. I know he's better off, but I don't want to hear that, so don't say it. It's hard to get up in the morning and not hear that tail hitting the floor in anticipation of me coming down the stairs for a morning belly rub. It's hard not to see the "Happy Dance" that he would do just because you were talking to him. It's hard to watch Gracie wonder where he is and when he's coming back. It's just hard.   

Visitation

It should get to 102 degrees again today! They say it should be cooling off this weekend. Who are they and how do they know? How did we ever get along without them, before they were them? Reminds me of the whole cell phone thing, and cassette players in cars. 

Preacher man is preparing for his first funeral as a Preacher man. Well, he's doing everything but giving the sermon and he's fine with that. Just so long as the family is taken care of and their wishes are done. One of the questions that the family brought up was, What is the proper thing to do with the children? I found this something I have an opinion on...surprise!!! Here's the way I see it:
Preacher man has spent his whole life around funeral's. He comes from a large family and a lot of them were older. So as a kid, he went to funeral's. He also is from the school of thought that you keep the children in church services and they sit there without entertainment and be quite and pay attention. I believe that being around visitations and funerals has given Preacher man the leg up on how to act at said occasions. 

As for me...I was protected from the visitation/funeral thing as a child. I know Mom & Dad had the best intentions with this. But here's the deal; the first time I was ever at a visitation, that I know of, it was for my Grandaddy and I was 38 years old! Needless to say, I still don't know what to say or not say, how to act or what not to do at these things. I cling to Preacher man in a desperate way of trying to learn the right way to do all this awkward stuff. You should see him! He's like a White Swan landing on a still lake, it's beautiful, comforting and something to experience.

So my thought is, we are protecting kids from things they need to be learning. This might be part of the reason 25 year olds are still living at home and can't seem to find a job that specks to their hearts. Why Grandparents are raising their grandkids and our churches are closing down. We've protected ourselves right out of real life! So bring your kids to church and bring them to visitations and funerals! Take the opportunity to teach them about real life instead of letting them play games on their cells phones! When they throw a fit, take care of business outside the main room and make them come back in and behave! Stop protecting them from the lessons that life has to teach them. God really is bigger than all that and if you rely on Him to help you, you can't go wrong!

Just saying...     

Mary Jean

One of the sweet souls I have had the chance to get to know while here has been Mary Jean Harris. Mary Jean has the best gray white hair in church, she has three daughters, is a widow and loves her some Jesus. I met Mary Jean at a study we did as a church called Contagious Christian, we were in the same small group and then when we broke up into even smaller groups, we were together. She's fixing to be 82, she get's dizzy sometimes and while her mind is still sharp as a tack, I can see her struggle to get the words to come out right sometimes. Above all, is her quick wit and sense of humor. 


It was announced that Preacher man was being appointed to Sylvan Hills in Sherwood, right before communion at third service. I was sitting on the front row and as I looked to my right I saw Mary Jean. She doubled up her fist and shook it at me, on her way to receive the elements! When she came by me, I stood up, went to her, and asked what that was all about. She told me I'm mad at you for leaving me, I just got to know you! This fist shaking continued for months. I would always find her and give her a big hug and tell her that I loved her.


About a month ago, Mary Jean was at home on a Saturday and had gone into the bathroom, where she got dizzy. The next thing that she knew, she was in the tub and could not pull herself out. Her oldest daughter was to meet her at church on Sunday, but was stood up. Hattie, her sister-in-law, got concerned when Mary Jean wasn't at church and got a friend to go to the house to check on her. They found a side door open and found Mary Jean, still in the tub. 


Mary Jean has broken ribs and when she get's out of bed, has to wear this protective thing that makes her look like a turtle. She stayed in the hospital for about a week, they moved her out to Jamestown, a rehab center, where she started going down hill. Back to the hospital and we saw her yesterday and my heart just broke for her. They are talking hospice and where to put her. I grabbed a hold of her hand and saw the light come on in her eyes. I swear I saw down into her soul, looking into her eyes I saw things she could not tell me. She is tired, the pain is bad and as her daughters talked about how hard this was on them, she rolled her eyes!


My fear is she will die either before we leave or after we leave. I want to know why we can't take better care of our older people who really are full of wisdom. How come we can't help them die with dignity at home surrounded by family? Because it makes the rest of us uncomfortable? I know that death is part of life and that sometimes, we that stay need to tell them, that it's ok to go. 


When I go, I want to go, just like that. I don't want to hang on! I want to die like I've lived, full throttle, running with everything I've got right into the arms of Jesus!


God Speed Mary Jean, God Speed!