I seem to be hung up on a phase I read a few weeks ago in a book a friend is making me read. OK, she's not making me read it, like holding a gun to my head, but she's a friend from the group of friends that if they tell me to read a book, well, I read that book. The phase is Mind the Gap.
The author explains the gap in light of the London Underground. People will tell you to mind the gap that's the space between the edge of the landing platform and the car. You don't want to fall down in it!
Also, transitions are gaps.
They mark the gap between the no longer and the not yet. They are the space where we are neither in one place nor another... They mark the place where a certain order breaks down and chaos arises.
This is the gap that I find myself in. I've have said more than a few times, I'm over this and moving on, there's no stopping me now! I was in the gap for about 62 day's but I realized I was there and I jumped out of it. Yip! That's about right. I'm gapless.
And I see Jesus smile at me.
The thing about gaps, is also the thing about God, neither can be controlled, they have to be experienced. I can tell myself all day long that I'm in control of my life and that I'm on a new road, but unless I give up the control to God and let Him lead me through this gap area of gapness, I'm only fooling myself. One thing I'm learning is that the sooner you give up the control, the sooner God can do what needs to be done.
This is a strange time for me. Opportunity is knocking on a door that has been closed for a long time.
I'm still in the the gap between the no longer and the not yet.
I'm so excited!!! Look what happened at our house yesterday!!! A random dude showed up on a tractor and tiled my garden. OK, not really, this is Charlie and his tractor. I covent his tractor. I can't even put into words how excited I am about this! The smell of dirt, the seeds that need to be planted, the pure enjoyment of breaking ground it just sends me into fits of hap-hap happiness!
This area of ground will end up being a place I spend quality time in. It will be a place of work and rest. A place to get frustrations out on and from. I will be on my knees, bending my back, lifting and toting and enjoying every minute of it.
I am glad that the season is changing and we are waking up from our longer than normal winter's nap! No, I don't know where my summer clothes are but at this point I'll work in my winter stuff.
This is also how God is working in my life. I have closed down and sealed up all of who I am. I have placed a protective barrier over the ground of my heart and have let the leaves of a past life pile up and cover what use to be there. But God is getting on his tractor and he's firing that engine up. I see him coming down the road towards my closed down, sealed up soul and I can't do anything but stand there and watch.
As he lowers that tiller down, it sits on top of my ground, and he looks over at me with a twinkle in his eye.
You ready for this?
Surly we can do this another way!
He gives the machine a little punch of gas, looks at the sky and says
It's perfect weather for breaking open some ground.
It's never easy, but it's always doable. Yea, it's going to require. . . me.
I'm excited and scared and right where God needs me to be.
I am enough, I am enough, just as I am, I am enough!
Do you ever get into a funk? Is that a crazy question or what? I'd like to put on my holy pants and say Why, no, I never get in a funk! That would be unchristlike, or something! Here's my question: Those 30 years that Jesus was growing up and learning, do you think he got in a funk? Do you think he ever wondered What the sam hill is going on and why do I have to make tables?
It's not that I've figured it all out, but I did come across something this morning that has cleared my way a little, and maybe it will shed some light on your place in the world.
Sorrow, under the power of divine grace, makes us move more slowly and considerately and examine our motives and attitudes.
God never uses anyone to a great degree until He breaks the person completely. ~ Streams in the Desert
Now I find the first one pretty true. The second one, well, it wears me out! I think, no, God would never break me completely! Then I remember Joseph and how he suffered for years before God used him to save a nation. I think about Moses in the desert for 40 years, hanging out with sheep before he got to lead his people out of slavery. The Bible is full of the example, and if you look long enough, those people are in your life too.
So why would I think that sorrow would skip by me? Why do I feel as though I need to be doing something and checking it off the big list in the sky? Then I saw the word wrestle… to contend, as in a struggle for mastery; grapple: to wrestle with one's conscience. Great!
So I'm in a time of sorrow, and I'm wrestling, that's a sad fighter huh? But where I am is right where God needs me to be in order to hear what he has for me. I'm struggling with waiting, no job that gives a paycheck (cuz you know that's where worth comes from), cleaning the house, taking care of Preacher man, feeding the dog, and why we can't get this well water figured out! Everything, flat out everything is a struggle!
The cool thing, is now I knowing that. Now I can breath, cuz it's all gift from God! Now, I can stop and ask questions like Why do I always have to start over? I don't truly expect an answer, I expect an understanding. A knowing if you will. I understand who is after my light and my joy. I understand that God is teaching me a new thing even if it's not that new! Wrestling takes on a new look to me now and I'm not as sad about it. Now, I'm still in sorrow, but it's sorrow with a purpose. A God purpose, for me. The question then becomes, will I learn it?
This Little Light of mine!
Being in transitions is a bit like being lost. You know you have to just keep going, or turn around. If we just keep going, we either come across something that let's us know where we are or something that says, "YO, your going the wrong way, turn around!" My transitions seems to be about going forward right now, what it isn't about for me is going back.
Going back is a lot like going home, and you know what they say about that…"You can never go home!" I think you can go back home, you just can't stay there anymore, cuz it ain't your home no more!
We are aliens right now in this place. People who don't belong, outsiders, not local. I can't even tell you how many times we have been aliens in different places. It's something that we have become pretty good at, however, it is always hard. Or maybe the word is difficult.
One of the things that seems to sooth my soul is setting up the bird feeders. I know it may sound crazy, but it brings me great joy when we are "found" by the winged ones!
This happened yesterday! They found us and have been signing and scratching and eating in great number! We have been found! It's a sign to me that God sees us and will continue to take care of our needs.
One of the cool things we get to do out here in the valley, is burn stuff! I burned my first pile of leaves yesterday and it gave me a sense of letting go of what is dead and lifeless. I stood there and saw those leaves as being part of our life with the Arkansas Methodist Conference. It's dead to us now, as we are dead to it and in fact have always felt that way deep down inside. You have got to get those dead leaves out of the way so that the new growth can come in the spring! If you don't, nothing will grow there. (This house has stood empty for two years and it shows in the yard!)
So we are in transition. We feel somewhat lost, as aliens always do. But God sent the birds to welcome us to this new place. God helped me see that old, dead lifeless stuff has got to get out of the way so He can spring forth with newness!
So we say with renewed hope, Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful!
