Why me God?

How many times have you asked the suffering question? If your anything like me, you ask daily. Why me God?! Why do I have to go through this?! When will this pain stop?! Lately, I've started looking at suffering from a different perspective. Bare with me as I walk through this with you.

When I was at the height of my career at an oil refinery that I seriously thought I would never leave, I was forced out. Given the choice of a demotion and a move to Sioux City Iowa, or severance pay. I took my leave. My life was over! I had failed in all aspects. I rolled around in my self pity at the pool for about 3 months and then went back into the profession of waiting tables. 

That was 21 years ago. FYI... My life was not over.

This lesson has helped me help others to see that while change is hard, you do live through it and there is something to learn at every corner.

Then, when I was at the height of my career at the soup kitchen I had taken from the back of my truck, to a $300K building. I was given the option of... wait there was no option! God called my husband into full-time ministry, which meant leaving a life and home and friends that I LOVED!! On top of it all, I was awesome at what I was doing... walking with people through the suffering of their lives.

That was 9 years ago. 

This lesson lead me to a new way of life. A life of surrender to the maker of heaven and earth. I took classes, made new friends, got healing, and just really started a relationship with Jesus that is still new and fresh everyday. My husband became Preacher man and I was his wife. (That is a whole other blog in itself.) 

Then, after 4 short years, we were given the option to shut up and follow the lead of lies in a denomination that was going very left, very fast, or stand for what God was calling us to. We picked God over the demon-nation. Opps, did I say that?

That was little over 1 year ago.

It still hurts. I still cry over where my life is compared to where it was. I now am an assistant manager at a gas station... Why me God?! Why do I have to go through this?! When will the pain stop?! Then I read this...

Dare to let go of the old and go through a stage of unknowing 

and confusing so you can 

experience new life.

Dare to trust the flow of your life.

Release your demand for certainty and control 

and slip into the stream that is pulling you toward

the fullness of your being.

~ David G. Benner

My suffering is for others healing. It's so you don't have to go it alone, because you have me. I will show you how I did it, how I'm doing it even today. I will point you to the true healer, but you have to be willing to lay your life down everyday...and pick up your cross and follow Him...where ever He may lead you!

It's still hard, but I have someone walking beside me, in fact there are days that He carries me! 

His suffering was for my healing... surely I can do this...

Gap

I seem to be hung up on a phase I read a few weeks ago in a book a friend is making me read. OK, she's not making me read it, like holding a gun to my head, but she's a friend from the group of friends that if they tell me to read a book, well, I read that book. The phase is Mind the Gap. 

The author explains the gap in light of the London Underground. People will tell you to mind the gap that's the space between the edge of the landing platform and the car. You don't want to fall down in it!

Also, transitions are gaps.

They mark the gap between the no longer and the not yet. They are the space where we are neither in one place nor another... They mark the place where a certain order breaks down and chaos arises.

This is the gap that I find myself in. I've have said more than a few times, I'm over this and moving on, there's no stopping me now! I was in the gap for about 62 day's but I realized I was there and I jumped out of it. Yip! That's about right. I'm gapless.

And I see Jesus smile at me.

The thing about gaps, is also the thing about God, neither can be controlled, they have to be experienced. I can tell myself all day long that I'm in control of my life and that I'm on a new road, but unless I give up the control to God and let Him lead me through this gap area of gapness, I'm only fooling myself. One thing I'm learning is that the sooner you give up the control, the sooner God can do what needs to be done. 

This is a strange time for me. Opportunity is knocking on a door that has been closed for a long time. 

I'm still in the the gap between the no longer and the not yet.