Why me God?

How many times have you asked the suffering question? If your anything like me, you ask daily. Why me God?! Why do I have to go through this?! When will this pain stop?! Lately, I've started looking at suffering from a different perspective. Bare with me as I walk through this with you.

When I was at the height of my career at an oil refinery that I seriously thought I would never leave, I was forced out. Given the choice of a demotion and a move to Sioux City Iowa, or severance pay. I took my leave. My life was over! I had failed in all aspects. I rolled around in my self pity at the pool for about 3 months and then went back into the profession of waiting tables. 

That was 21 years ago. FYI... My life was not over.

This lesson has helped me help others to see that while change is hard, you do live through it and there is something to learn at every corner.

Then, when I was at the height of my career at the soup kitchen I had taken from the back of my truck, to a $300K building. I was given the option of... wait there was no option! God called my husband into full-time ministry, which meant leaving a life and home and friends that I LOVED!! On top of it all, I was awesome at what I was doing... walking with people through the suffering of their lives.

That was 9 years ago. 

This lesson lead me to a new way of life. A life of surrender to the maker of heaven and earth. I took classes, made new friends, got healing, and just really started a relationship with Jesus that is still new and fresh everyday. My husband became Preacher man and I was his wife. (That is a whole other blog in itself.) 

Then, after 4 short years, we were given the option to shut up and follow the lead of lies in a denomination that was going very left, very fast, or stand for what God was calling us to. We picked God over the demon-nation. Opps, did I say that?

That was little over 1 year ago.

It still hurts. I still cry over where my life is compared to where it was. I now am an assistant manager at a gas station... Why me God?! Why do I have to go through this?! When will the pain stop?! Then I read this...

Dare to let go of the old and go through a stage of unknowing 

and confusing so you can 

experience new life.

Dare to trust the flow of your life.

Release your demand for certainty and control 

and slip into the stream that is pulling you toward

the fullness of your being.

~ David G. Benner

My suffering is for others healing. It's so you don't have to go it alone, because you have me. I will show you how I did it, how I'm doing it even today. I will point you to the true healer, but you have to be willing to lay your life down everyday...and pick up your cross and follow Him...where ever He may lead you!

It's still hard, but I have someone walking beside me, in fact there are days that He carries me! 

His suffering was for my healing... surely I can do this...

Raw

I have tried to write many times, and nothing encouraging or witty or life giving is coming forth. So I don't.

But there is this welling up in my soul that needs an outlet. It's a pressure that threatens to consume. It takes my breath and yet I find myself holding it out of an old habit I thought broke. So I started walking.

I can't sit still, my nerves are raw as is my tongue. It's hard to be here, in this place of possible transformation. Maybe this is why not everyone chooses to go through this crap. It's hard to dream here. 

Keep moving forward, look up, breath, hang in there... we have all said it, so please, don't. Don't you see?! Can't you feel it?!

Today I dressed in running clothes. Got my phone, said Hello to Nike App and off I went. Running and walking. Action, movement, not being stagnant. 

I ran and I cried. 

Surely, you have not forgotten me. 

Mardi Gras

Mardi Gras is French for Fat Tuesday. Carnival is Latin for Farewell to the Flesh. So today is the big farewell to the flesh day that ends very sharply at midnight as we prepare for the 40 days of Lent.

I'm going to bet the further away from Louisiana you get, the less you know about Mardi Gras. I'm also going to bet if you know when Mardi Gras is and what it means, you might just know why we are celebrating at carnival. We are preparing for Lent.

This year is light years away from last year. With us being out of the church, I'm finding that this season is more personal than it has been in a long time. I'm not saying I've got it all figured out, I'm saying that Jesus is calling me to a different way of being in this season.

It's about waiting, listening, and walking with Jesus as he prepares to go through the passion on his way to the cross. For me, it's about being with Jesus through his suffering. The suffering that he chose to take on for me.

I read a post by JD Walt that was titled Can we please not tell each other what we are giving up for Lent? I have to agree with JD, I really don't want to know what you are giving up, or taking on, for your journey through Lent. 

Lent is about prayer, fasting, and giving to the poor. It's about preparing yourself for the walk to the cross with Jesus. To be with Jesus in his suffering. When I really think about Jesus suffering for me, I am overcome with grief. There is a part of me that wants to comfort Jesus, that wants to try and make everything better for him. I can't figure out if it's just me being human or trying to control the situation.

But I will have 40 day's to sit with that and listen. Today is Mardi Gras aka Fat Tuesday! The Carnival day that allows me to say farewell to the flesh. I probably won't be apart of any real celebration, but knowing that I could be sorta helps.