Monday, May 2, 2011

What Function?

I find myself in a rather dazes and confused kinda place this morning. Young man left for school on Friday morning and hasn't been back. Now before you start calling wanting to help track him down, let me explain. He went for a weekend visit with the family he came to us from. This is the family that is working on adopting him. We were told on Friday that he would be back on Monday afternoon to stay the rest of the week then possibly heading home for good. We then found out on Saturday that he wasn't coming back at all and would be staying where he was. OK... 
The really crazy part is on a certain level all this is OK and almost expected. It seems to be the way God deals with me. I will never forget my years of service to the soup kitchen. How I had to have been called to do it, cuz nobody in their right mind could have done it without total reliance on God. I had to get to the place where everyday I laid it all down at the foot of the cross and said, "I can't do this." And everyday I watched as God showed up and worked through me in some way that I had nothing to do with. When I left that place, I hoped it would fall apart without me. It did for awhile, but God is still God and they are doing fine now. But there came a point when I knew in my heart of hearts that I was done, that God had done what He wanted in me and through me and it was time for something else. Have you ever felt that way? It's hard to explain, your just done. When you allow yourself to drop those chains that hold you to things like soup kitchens, churches, youth groups, friends that disappoint and the like, God will open a window that you never knew was there. But you have to drop the chains first. 
Well, I'm dropping these chains. I have been forcing myself to walk a path that is so far ahead of God that I can't even see Him in the rearview mirror anymore. I was doing this walk for what seemed like the right reasons at the time, but the fog became so thick that I had to stop and wait for awhile. The fog is clearing, the mind is clearing, the heart is beating with a new beat and it's all good! 
Evelyn Underhill said it best when she asked, "what function must this life fulfill in the great and secret economy of God?" So this is where I am now, and it's a brave new day. I am laying it down at the foot of the cross, cuz I can't do it anymore on my own God!


Sylvia said...

Way to go GAL.
I LOVE you


Leslie said...

Mark and I had a discussion about "laying down our Isaac". Recently figured out what one of my "Isaacs" was. Interesting that we were thinking about similar things on the same day. Hmmmm