I started this day pretty much like I've been starting all my days lately—grumpy. First, I have to give thanks for my husband, who is always being the man I need him to be and how God has called him to be. All the glory goes to God as I sort this out before eight in the morning. Here are the issues: I'm gaining weight hand over fist, and this always sends me into a tailspin of self-defeating talk and grumbling. The difference this time is that I know why but am unable to do anything about it until we get insurance the first of July. My thyroid is wacko, causing my metabolism to come to a halt, no matter what I do. So that's really where it all starts—self-image and self-talk, both of which are bad.
Then in steps God, and this is what he shows me:
1. I get an e-mail from Pat, who's in Israel, struggling with the same voices that are here in my head: “What are you doing here? Surely you misheard what God was saying. You are a physical mess, out of shape and just too old.”
2. Dr. Stanley talked about Matthew 7:7-11, which is about the good gifts that God gives us when we ask. The God who made us is more keenly aware of our needs than we are.
3. Streams in the Desert was about Hebrews 12:12-13. "Lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed." You gotta get on your knees and lift your hands! We have to walk through the thick, hard stuff, giving the glory to God, and He will heal us!
So what does all this have to do with anything, you may ask? Well, it's like God sat down and picked all this out just for me. He's showing me that I'm not alone with my physical problems. He knows what I need more than I do and that I have to keep on walking the path He has laid out for me. It's true that I don't know what I'm doing or what I need to be thinking about doing, but God does. For right now, I'm just supposed to keep on the path and be grateful that I have a path, even if that's all I know.
Then the lovely Thomas Merton's words come to me, and I cry out to my God:
"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road through I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always through I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."And today, that is enough for me.